Tag Archives: fun

Dear Lucifer,

By Posted in Practice Tagged , 16 Comments

From: molly@not-so-mormon-anymore.com
To: satan@hell.com
Subject: Hiring out hell?

Almighty witherer of righteousness,

Some ex-Mormon friends and I are interested in hiring out Hell for a coming party — New Year’s, if you can manage it, as its existence outside of time would allow a state of perpetual infinite celebration of every new year on every calendar in the universe.

I’m looking for a venue with the following:

  • A dance floor with room for approximately ten million
  • Toilet facilities for dead and living patrons
  • 16 million Jell-o shots
  • Cabinet speakers capable of running on geothermic energy to produce 8 million watts
  • A stage capable of holding an extremely large drum kit and twenty electric guitars
  • Five hundred gallons each of single malt Scotch, Tequila, rum, beer and red wine
  • Lemon bars

Given that your stage name means “light bringer,” am I to understand you have a decent laser rig set up? If so, some Pink Floyd-quality projections would be lovely.

Best wishes,

Molly

From: beelzebub@hell.com
To: molly@not-so-mormon-anymore.com
Subject: Re: Hiring out hell?

Hi there, Molly,

We do have all of those facilities. His Demonness receives gifts of musical instruments from his minions in the music industry almost daily; we have a hard time having enough shows to smash them all up afterward as it is.

There’s just one catch: currently Hell is only open to dead damned souls. You don’t appear on this quarter’s admissions list. The only way to jump the queue would be to kill yourself. Otherwise, all I can really offer is pictures of this year’s party after it’s over. We’ll be serving wildebeest over gnocchi with a mushroom-wine reduction sauce. Your suggestion for lemon bars was a stroke of brilliance; I’ve added them to our menu.

Smoochies,

Beelzebub
Lord of the Flies
Events and Dining
Hell

From: molly@not-so-mormon-anymore.com
To: satan@hell.com
Subject: Re: Re: Hiring out hell?

Aw, bummer. I was hoping there was some kind of dimensional bridge that could make an exception.

Killing myself isn’t really an option as I feel that would cause a lot of undue stress on others and I like being alive. I guess I’ll just have to catch you in a few years.

Thanks for the info,
Molly

From: beelzebub@hell.com
To: molly@not-so-mormon-anymore.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hiring out hell?

Sugar, you’re going to have to work a lot more on that attitude if you expect to get on the guest list after you’re dead. Believe me, there is more than enough room for ethical non-believers in Limbo.

Love and Kisses,

Beelzebub
Lord of the Flies
Events and Dining
Hell

I’ll See You in Hell

By Posted in Practice Tagged , , 21 Comments

Yesterday while I whinged about how difficult LDS, inc. makes it to escape, becky said she’d party with me in Hell and lisa volunteered to bring cookies. This sounds like a brilliant plan. In fact, now that I’m going to be shut out of Mormon Heaven it’s time to start planning looking at the bright side of Hell.

Good things about Hell

  1. Being in a firey inferno will allow almost constant baking of cookies, pies and cakes. Try doing that sitting on a cloud of water vapour.
  2. People who will be in Hell (according to my Granny and my Mum): Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Eddie Izzard, Iggy Pop, John Lennon, Bob Dylan, John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Douglas Adams, Rob Halford, Elton John, David Bowie, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Freddie Mercury and all of Led Zeppelin.
  3. To save time, let’s just say that everybody interesting are going to be in Hell, and I can look forward to some epic jam sessions. If Tenacious D is to be believed, the Devil is quite a musician himself.
  4. I’ll get a front row seat to watch Hitler take his daily pineapple up the arse.
  5. I won’t have to attend Relief Society with a bunch of spirit-baby impregnated plural wives insisting that they are SO HAPPY to be queens and priestesses to newly made Gods off creating their own little patriarchal worlds without end.
  6. I use as much foul language as I like. What are they going to do, send me to Hell?
  7. I always thought my forehead would be nicely complemented by a pair of horns.
  8. Come to think of it, my bum wouldn’t look bad with a long pointy tail as well.
  9. I’ll never have to wait for the barbecue to heat up.
  10. If that Dante fellow was right, at the bottom of hell is plenty of ice for skating, cooling drinks, and having snowball fights.

This really isn’t sounding so bad. Will I see you in Hell? I hope so.