Dear Sister Molly,
I know that you know that you ceased to be a member of the LDS Church the second we opened your letter, forcing our pure and temple worthy fingers to come into contact with remnants of your slimy green saliva along the envelope’s edge, but this letter is to inform you that you’re not getting off that lightly.
You told us you don’t want to be a member any more, but you can get stuffed. You’ve got to deal with local authorities first. We’ve figured out who your bishop should be, you naughty less-active, you, and we’re sending him over to intimidate you. Also, since we’d like to be patronising and dismissive and pretend this wasn’t a decision you took seriously, here’s a stupid pamphlet with a snapshot of that boring second-rate Jesus statue we keep in all our temple visitors’ centres. It’s telling you to get your arse back to church because clearly you haven’t given any of this much thought.
Love and Kisses,
Gregory W. Dodge
Borg De-assimilation Prevention Team