They Don’t Make it Easy

Dear Sister Molly,

I know that you know that you ceased to be a member of the LDS Church the second we opened your letter, forcing our pure and temple worthy fingers to come into contact with remnants of your slimy green saliva along the envelope’s edge, but this letter is to inform you that you’re not getting off that lightly.

You told us you don’t want to be a member any more, but you can get stuffed. You’ve got to deal with local authorities first. We’ve figured out who your bishop should be, you naughty less-active, you, and we’re sending him over to intimidate you. Also, since we’d like to be patronising and dismissive and pretend this wasn’t a decision you took seriously, here’s a stupid pamphlet with a snapshot of that boring second-rate Jesus statue we keep in all our temple visitors’ centres. It’s telling you to get your arse back to church because clearly you haven’t given any of this much thought.

Love and Kisses,

Gregory W. Dodge
Borg De-assimilation Prevention Team

9 thoughts on “They Don’t Make it Easy

  1. sigh.

    i’m thinking of adding a line in my resignation letter something to the effect of “save some goddamn paper and don’t send me any ridiculous pamphlets inviting me back into your f*cking fold.”

    but i do find something like that rather funny, too, and part of the process, something to hold and laugh at because it’s hardly a personal invitation. but you’ve described it here–yeah, perfectly.

    As for the bishop having to be contacted first? is that still for real, because that’s something keeping my husband from resigning.

    • Legally, it’s not required or permissible. But since the boundary between personal and professional relationships gets blurred in a church setting, it’s pretty common for local authorities to meddle.

  2. I got the same exact letter. I didn’t get any pamphlets though. “Our bishop” then showed up and told my husband that if we hadn’t changed our minds by today (Dec 1st) that we could then be taken off the records. It’s been several months since I sent my letter in. They sure don’t make it easy. So, I’ll be happy to meet you in person in the Mormon Hell. lol

  3. gah, okay. lame.

    i’ll bring the cookies to mormon hell. chocolate chocolate chip. good and dark
    and totally sinful. we can have a drink with it.

  4. I sent my letter to my bishop (return receipt requested, so that I knew when he had gotten it and I was legally no longer a member).

    He followed my instructions exactly (I didn’t hear a word from him) and only a month or so after sending it I had my confirmation letter from HQ–without the pamphlet that they often include.

    With all of the stories I’ve read online, I was taken aback by how quickly, efficiently, and quietly my resignation was processed.

  5. My husband is much ruder than most people like to be, so maybe you’d prefer to just wait it out, but if you call the SLC membership office every day for a few days demanding that there be no waiting period of any kind, they take care of it very quickly. 😀

    I hope you told the bishop to stop harassing you before you get a restraining order against him. hehehe

  6. This is bullsh**!

    When I sent my letter, I only provided my PO Box and I’d never met “my local bishop.” Dodge et al didn’t like that they couldn’t figure out where I lived so he returned my original notarized letter telling me the Borg required my physical address for proper processing.

    My response: In a nutshell I told him to go copulate with himself, LDS Inc. was on formal notice that I was no longer a member and they may not be treated as such, no further action on my part was required and if he had any questions he would next hear from my lawyer. “Oh, and thanks for returning my original notice. It has sentimental value. Incidentally Mr. Dodge, I’m not your sister. Govern yourself accordingly. A$$hole.”

    I got Dodge’s acknowledgement that LDS Inc. no longer considers me a member a few weeks later.

    Don’t &^%$ with me, Mr. Dodge/LDS Inc.

  7. Pingback: I’ll See You in Hell « Molly Muses . . .

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