Dear Lucifer,

Subject: Hiring out hell?

Almighty witherer of righteousness,

Some ex-Mormon friends and I are interested in hiring out Hell for a coming party — New Year’s, if you can manage it, as its existence outside of time would allow a state of perpetual infinite celebration of every new year on every calendar in the universe.

I’m looking for a venue with the following:

  • A dance floor with room for approximately ten million
  • Toilet facilities for dead and living patrons
  • 16 million Jell-o shots
  • Cabinet speakers capable of running on geothermic energy to produce 8 million watts
  • A stage capable of holding an extremely large drum kit and twenty electric guitars
  • Five hundred gallons each of single malt Scotch, Tequila, rum, beer and red wine
  • Lemon bars

Given that your stage name means “light bringer,” am I to understand you have a decent laser rig set up? If so, some Pink Floyd-quality projections would be lovely.

Best wishes,


Subject: Re: Hiring out hell?

Hi there, Molly,

We do have all of those facilities. His Demonness receives gifts of musical instruments from his minions in the music industry almost daily; we have a hard time having enough shows to smash them all up afterward as it is.

There’s just one catch: currently Hell is only open to dead damned souls. You don’t appear on this quarter’s admissions list. The only way to jump the queue would be to kill yourself. Otherwise, all I can really offer is pictures of this year’s party after it’s over. We’ll be serving wildebeest over gnocchi with a mushroom-wine reduction sauce. Your suggestion for lemon bars was a stroke of brilliance; I’ve added them to our menu.


Lord of the Flies
Events and Dining

Subject: Re: Re: Hiring out hell?

Aw, bummer. I was hoping there was some kind of dimensional bridge that could make an exception.

Killing myself isn’t really an option as I feel that would cause a lot of undue stress on others and I like being alive. I guess I’ll just have to catch you in a few years.

Thanks for the info,

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hiring out hell?

Sugar, you’re going to have to work a lot more on that attitude if you expect to get on the guest list after you’re dead. Believe me, there is more than enough room for ethical non-believers in Limbo.

Love and Kisses,

Lord of the Flies
Events and Dining

16 thoughts on “Dear Lucifer,

  1. Wow! I want to attend that party in the afterlife, so I’ll need to do some extra sinning to make sure I get a ticket when my day comes. I’ve been assured that I’m going to Hell because of my critical thinking and progressive politics, but I want to be on the safe side.

    I hope that five-hundred gallon order of beer is craft beer! One question, though: since Hell is a 1000+ degree inferno, how will event organizers keep the beer cold?

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