Yesterday while I whinged about how difficult LDS, inc. makes it to escape, becky said she’d party with me in Hell and lisa volunteered to bring cookies. This sounds like a brilliant plan. In fact, now that I’m going to be shut out of Mormon Heaven it’s time to start planning looking at the bright side of Hell.
Good things about Hell
- Being in a firey inferno will allow almost constant baking of cookies, pies and cakes. Try doing that sitting on a cloud of water vapour.
- People who will be in Hell (according to my Granny and my Mum): Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Eddie Izzard, Iggy Pop, John Lennon, Bob Dylan, John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Douglas Adams, Rob Halford, Elton John, David Bowie, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Freddie Mercury and all of Led Zeppelin.
- To save time, let’s just say that everybody interesting are going to be in Hell, and I can look forward to some epic jam sessions. If Tenacious D is to be believed, the Devil is quite a musician himself.
- I’ll get a front row seat to watch Hitler take his daily pineapple up the arse.
- I won’t have to attend Relief Society with a bunch of spirit-baby impregnated plural wives insisting that they are SO HAPPY to be queens and priestesses to newly made Gods off creating their own little patriarchal worlds without end.
- I use as much foul language as I like. What are they going to do, send me to Hell?
- I always thought my forehead would be nicely complemented by a pair of horns.
- Come to think of it, my bum wouldn’t look bad with a long pointy tail as well.
- I’ll never have to wait for the barbecue to heat up.
- If that Dante fellow was right, at the bottom of hell is plenty of ice for skating, cooling drinks, and having snowball fights.
This really isn’t sounding so bad. Will I see you in Hell? I hope so.