I’ll See You in Hell

Yesterday while I whinged about how difficult LDS, inc. makes it to escape, becky said she’d party with me in Hell and lisa volunteered to bring cookies. This sounds like a brilliant plan. In fact, now that I’m going to be shut out of Mormon Heaven it’s time to start planning looking at the bright side of Hell.

Good things about Hell

  1. Being in a firey inferno will allow almost constant baking of cookies, pies and cakes. Try doing that sitting on a cloud of water vapour.
  2. People who will be in Hell (according to my Granny and my Mum): Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Eddie Izzard, Iggy Pop, John Lennon, Bob Dylan, John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Douglas Adams, Rob Halford, Elton John, David Bowie, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Freddie Mercury and all of Led Zeppelin.
  3. To save time, let’s just say that everybody interesting are going to be in Hell, and I can look forward to some epic jam sessions. If Tenacious D is to be believed, the Devil is quite a musician himself.
  4. I’ll get a front row seat to watch Hitler take his daily pineapple up the arse.
  5. I won’t have to attend Relief Society with a bunch of spirit-baby impregnated plural wives insisting that they are SO HAPPY to be queens and priestesses to newly made Gods off creating their own little patriarchal worlds without end.
  6. I use as much foul language as I like. What are they going to do, send me to Hell?
  7. I always thought my forehead would be nicely complemented by a pair of horns.
  8. Come to think of it, my bum wouldn’t look bad with a long pointy tail as well.
  9. I’ll never have to wait for the barbecue to heat up.
  10. If that Dante fellow was right, at the bottom of hell is plenty of ice for skating, cooling drinks, and having snowball fights.

This really isn’t sounding so bad. Will I see you in Hell? I hope so.

21 thoughts on “I’ll See You in Hell

  1. And no more conference and bullshit like that.

    Now i’m not a fan of heat, I’ll admit, but if Dante is right then I’ll hang out down there when there’s no parties or cooking going on.

  2. You make it sound even better than I imagined! And I love heat! And there will be no icky self-righteous relatives down there either. I’ll bring the vodka and rum.

  3. It’s great that you’re already planning ahead. (Is there green Jello in hell? What about green Jello-shots? With or without carrot slices?) See you there! πŸ˜€

  4. p.s. to Holly — I thought it was handbasket. That would also be fun, but somehow not quite as cool as travelling by handbag. Well, I guess we’ll find out soon enough. πŸ˜‰

  5. Actually, after rereading this list, I’ve decided that it bears a striking resemblance to our house. Except, you know, sadly, Freddy Mercury and the gents of Led Zeppelin aren’t there in person. More’s the pity!

  6. Which, best thing about leaving the fold: I no longer feel insanely guilty for participating in these behaviors. It’s been a couple of months now, and I’ve noticed that my life hasn’t really changed at all. I just don’t pretend I’m watching General Conference when I am, in actual fact, baking brownies, reading “subversive” books, and trying out my snazzy new horns.

  7. Chanson–I’ve heard handcart, handbasket, and handbag. There was a very funny New Yorker cartoon 20 years ago or so with other ways of traveling to hell, my favorite one being a clutch purse. Since seeing that cartoon, I’ve felt justified in preferring handbag to the other hand- options.

  8. I’m also looking forward to Hell for the deep intellectual conversation to be had. If all the people who used their critical thinking skills and rejected religion are in Hell, imagine the great chats we’ll have!

    Does Hell have a publishing house? Some great anti-religion thinkers are probably there, and I’d love to read their post-mortem works.

  9. You can rest assured that hell will be much better decorated.

    [This reminds me of the time when my boyfriend and I went to hear the Tabernacle Choir in the new church conference center. The flowers that decorated the stage were hideously arranged, and I’m just being objective here, not critical. Memo to the powers that be: orange and fuschia zinnias are all you get when you’re mean to gay people.]

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  12. Anyone bringing wine coolers? No? Guess I’ll bring them then. Can’t stand beer, eeeew!

    Save me a seat!!!!

    Anisah, ex-Muslim, current agnostic Unitarian

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