Most of civilisation ordinarily would not consider addressing you, as you are mostly considered to be ranked somewhere between pond scum and sewer rats on the list of Things of Value to the World. However, something rather miraculous has happened and I feel it’s only fair to let you know that an opportunity has arisen which may allow you to move upwards in the world to be ranked just above dog turds although not nearly has highly as the clumps of hair that accumulate in shower drains.
This week The Mirror published photos of Nigella Lawson being physically abused by her husband Charles Saatchi. At first blush these images could be viewed as yet another tawdry way of enabling the slope-browed public’s voyeurism that feeds their envy and hatred of people who are better looking, richer, or important than they are, but that isn’t what happened this time. No, this time one of you actually managed to expose the horrible reality of what spousal abuse looks like. In perfect clarity you captured what a smug, self-entitled bastard does to control a woman he regards as his property. And for once the voyeurism of the public was utilised for good.
Paparazzi: there is a calling for you. Please stop badgering people simply trying to go about their lives. Stop photographing women who are guilty of nothing more than being nude whilst on private property with a reasonable expectation of privacy. Leave the widows of drug-overdosed actors to mourn in peace, and for goodness’ sake stop photographing children, no matter how famous their parents are.
Instead, you are hereby invited on behalf of the human race to stalk, photograph, and expose perpetrators of violence against women. Violence against anybody, for that matter. Turn your lenses away from people who aren’t doing anything wrong and instead become camera-wielding vigilantes able to put abusers on notice. It won’t even be hard to start building a new list of celebrities to stalk. Just start with Charlie Sheen and you’ll do brilliantly from there.
Your kind consideration in this matter is greatly appreciated.