Mormon Flow Chart for Your Soul

Seems like there’s a lot of confusion lately over what Mormons actually believe. If you are a befuddled believer or heathen, here’s a handy chart to help you out. This guide can help you track the progress of your soul from its disembodied birth in heaven to its final resting place in one of the four houses of the afterlife. Come to think of it, perhaps this would make a good board game . . .

145 thoughts on “Mormon Flow Chart for Your Soul

  1. This is really great, but you left off those who die before age 8 and those who are handicapped, both of which go directly to the 3rd degree of the CK, I believe.

    • Oh darn it! You’re right! Well, a friend who is a professional graphic designer has offered to help me make this better looking anyway. I’ll have to add that detail.

      Outer Blogness — did I miss anything else??

      • Actually, a few “doctrinal errors.” SofPs are actually in a superior position to Lucifer because they got bodies, etc. And, the last category would be more “How many wives do you want?” Also, it gets a little messy with the single women business–those who did not marry in this life, etc, but who get to be the 15th wife of some patriarch in the next. But clarifying all the weirdness with flowchart would drive a person nuts. So keep it simple, or simpler, maybe?

  2. Absolutely the most coffee-snorting giggle fest I’ve had in months. Please do this up as a fold out card so I can send it out to all my TBM unloving family as Xmas cards. Would love to see this as a Beck/chalkboard et al /Saturday Nite LIve send-up. wicked brilliant.

  3. And, if you flake, on any unredeemable issues; doing your stepdaughters, and other fornications, there’s always your soul saving altar alteration, throat slice, heart stab, blood atonement, ritual, which guarantees that you’ll get to do to all those virgin angels, what got your sacrificial murder/suicide, devoutness, curtailed, for, here on planet evil, so as to be transended to planet playboy… where what got you killed, here, you get to do, there… Come, don’t let us reason, together… and, know that “we would not kill a man, except, to save his eternal soul,” for his “used up life,” here on planet evil…

  4. I’ve been told that murder is the only unforgivable sin? wouldn’t they go to outer darkness not to hufflepuff?

    • With so many afterlife destinations and frustratingly ambiguous official information, we just have to go on what’s commonly regarded as doctrine and the last established doctrine that hasn’t been contradicted. To make it to Outer Darkness you have to have a “Sure Knowledge of the Truth” in order to truly reject it. So even Josef Stalin gets a nice cosy place in the Telestial Kingdom.

    • If you mean that LDS doctrine is bigoted, untrue, and misrepresents itself, then I agree completely! If not, perhaps a slightly more informative comment is in order.

      • Hey Tyrone- this is the most accurate depiction of Mormon theology I have ever seen. Every bit of it was taught as Mormon doctrine, although some of it has recently been sanitized. (except the part about the sorting hat from Harry Potter) I challenge Tyrone to let us know specifically what is wrong with it!

    • Tyrone may huff & puff about the flippancy of the chart but he can’t refute any of it because that is exactly what the church teaches.

  5. I would love for this to also include Adam and Eve, and also some citations would be in order. Maybe in-line references and some kind of article delving a but deeper into the material. When you have the time ;-)

    Thanks a lot. I made a mind-map concerning pre-earth-life last year for my bachelors degree. When I shared it with friends without any knowledge of mormonism most of them were just flabbergasted at the quirkiness.

  6. Pingback: Main Street Plaza » Sunday in Outer Blogness: the Anti-Mormon Moment Edition!!

  7. ex-Mormon here. Great chart! I drew one of these for my seminary teacher back when I was in high school to show how ridiculous it all was. This is much more detailed and I thoroughly enjoyed the satire!

  8. This is awesome. I wonder why you can be sorted into GRYFFINDOR, RAVENCLAW, or HUFFLEPUFF, but the fourth option isn’t called SLYTHERIN?

  9. Read “The God Makers” and, Brigham Youngs’ revelations from God to him, regarding heart plunge, throat slice, soul saving ritual murder/suicide, blood letting, by and for those who take blood oaths, to the church/corporation… then, look up Jodi Arias; kidnapped, by, the At Law, mob, and, held for two million dollars, ransom/bail… four years, without a trial; death penalty, non case, and a procession of pubic pretenders, plying their indolences, by incompetent and ineffectual, quasilegal blackmail, intimidations… Four years, in jail; a Mormon girl, accused of capital punishment murder, and, not one LSD/LD [shrooms will make you think you see golden plates, and, God herself], lieyer, of the thousands of opportunistic, lizards at law; wolves, in sheeples’ garbs, who will defend this girl, in their countryclub church corporation; doing business, scamming ten percent of the income, of about fifteen million sheeple… and, youse guys, want another perjurer of their oath of office, for president; two lizards at law, back to back, in the White House, each, with the sworn duty to destroy America, another oath breaker, who’s already taken a heart plunge, throat slice, blood atonement, “Sacred Oath,” swearing all he has and owns to the church; but only, after, he sleazes a few hundred million bucks, out of the Country, to hide, in foreign banks… Elect Ron Paul and, veep, Jesse Ventura; there’s the beef; because, honesty matters. Check out, the sworn duty, to avenge the death of Joseph Smith, by destroying, America, just like the 12 year old Valley Girl; Muslim/Mormon; what’s the difference, to these turncoats; each, doublecrossing, their religion, and using the Sheeple; BURROck, the jackass pretender to the throne, with the cutesy, abbreviated word endings; a confession in every, canned, written for him speech, and, a curtsy; doublecrossing everybody he comes in contact with; still cruising for a bruising, getting more outrageous, day by day; maybe you’ve heard of her; President Pantywaist, O’BaaaMaaa, the Bleating Heart Sheeples’ Messiah… And, now, Romney, who’ll perjure through his oath of office, just like the money he’s embezzled from his church, pledge, cancelling his sworn to the church, just as soon as anothe oath, scams an advantage… There’s more; read my Jodi Arias blogs… Edgrrr… and, Elect Ron Paul/Jesse Ventura, because it’s asinine that boyfriends get a free ride into the Whitehouse… to become second in command.

  10. LSD/LDS… what’s the difference, considering, the doctrine and covenants malleability, so as to fit, whatever, scam, that arises; especially, letting Romney slide on his eligibility for eternal soul saving , heart plunge, throat slice ritual murder/suicide, for which he took the “Sacred Oath,” and, who, has the authority to invent another revelation that proves the prophets of yesterday were false, but, todays’ are not, and, to allow such perjury of a sacred oath, unless the greater bad more clearly defines the actual predestined non principle, is now false, to pretend to save America, then, when in control, to destroy America ? Read also, “The Temple Of The God Makers”… and, other in the know, expractioners, of the countryclub Quasireligious corporation, whose inside knowledge, very clearly outdoes any definition, I can point out… and, do the math on Romneys’ abscondings with the loot. Makes one wonder what Obozo has embezzled, also…

    • It is a little difficult to tell what you are saying here.

      I suspect a lot more people would read past the first line, and a lot more communication would occur, if you employed two old-fashioned yet still-effective devices: the sentence and the paragraph.

      No overthinking required. Any break in that huge block of text will help, hugely.

  11. Edgar, Maybe you made some good points here, but attention to punctuation would be a great help for those trying to read this in the English language. Not criticizing the ideas, simply the execution of the communication. Commas were invented for a reason, not as decoration.

  12. You might want to mention that with Satan’s plan, winning at being Mormon probably wouldn’t be possible since you wouldn’t have the ability go grow from experience or whatever. That way, Jehovah/Elohim’s plan doesn’t look QUITE as ridiculous in comparison. Also, don’t you have to stay in spirit prison if you’re a son of perdition? If so, you might want to bring them up earlier in the flow chart.

    Awesome work! I couldn’t stop giggling while reading it.

    • Good suggestions. I did find that this chart rapidly got enormous, so I tried to keep it general. Doctrine on Sons of Perdition is pretty sparse — I hadn’t thought about whether or not they would have to stay in Spirit Prison or if they’d have the chance to reconvert.

  13. Awesome, awesome, AWESOME!! I truly love you for this Ms. Molly. This chart was my introduction to your blog. My only suggestion would be to add sources so whiny people who try to pretend this isn’t completely accurate to what we were raised with in our childhoods (*cough*tyrone*cough) will have the original church sources to gaze upon while their brain short-circuits from the cognitive dissonance.

    A few folks I know were having trouble printing the file, so I exported it to pdf format and while the resolution isn’t quite as good it’s still good enough for me. Email me if you have a way to post that online for the folks wanting to display this fine work of educational art on their walls at home.

    To tyrone: Waaaaaaaah! Someone call you a waaaaaaaaaaambulance! Someone’s telling the TRUTH about the poor, persecuted widdle church!

    • Really what she needs to do, with the forthcoming revised version, perhaps, is make this available in poster size on WordPress or … what was that site that Charlie Stross uses? ah! Zazzle.com

  14. Of course, Benny… you get to be right, for anyone who agrees, with you, but, I don’t see you bringing it up for a vote, which of course, wouldn’t matter, since we all write, what we want to write; don’t we ? I get to sprinkle commas, and, other punctuations, wherever I want, a pause, so, nitpickers have an excuse to try to sweep the message, under some imaginery rug……. When critiques are levied as subterfuge, to obscure the message, having little to do with contradicting, the message, it hardly matters, that the objections are only about punctuation, pseudo educations, et al., and, really obscure nothing, but do indicate a claim that if you don’t use punctuation properly, your message gets ignored, or overshadowed, by such a heinous crime as to give nitpickers an excuse to comment on commas, and ignore the issue. Ergo, ,,,,,,,,,, here’s a batch of commas,,,,,, for you to insert, wherever you think your English teacher, would want you to put them. Don’t waste them, they’re hard to get….. Execution of the communication, with wanton and wilful disregard of execution of Sheeple,believers; I think Belief Systems, are called B.S.;,,,,is, as to, a footnote, that, a “good point,,,,,,” may be, of course, is only so, if read in a language, yet to be discovered… I’ll hang in there with my convolutions of punctuations, and Ergolish, until, obscurers, and other Illiteratis, catch up,,,, and, if you’re not nice, trying to hide mercy killing, blood oath murder, pieties, in and among your obscurances, I just won’t let you have any more commas… and, I might even stop printing words that I create, to add to punctuation, that, shouldn’t be… but/and/maybe, your allegation that, thinking people won’t understand that I may have some good points, is an elitist view, that only you can wade through all those commas; obviously the pause you need to hide the doctrine and covenants, of/and/for the bluebloods to execute their own Sheeple, and, blame it on God, and His revelations, that only heretical quasireligionists get…. ,,,,… and is of course your accusation that they were my good points, which you know very well are facts,,, and,,, not my good points at all,,,, but,,, in fact,,, are bad points of which I, pointed out,,,, that, you,,, have tried to negate,,,, because, of punctuational disorders…. without a bleat for all the other Sheeple, murdered in the name of God,,,, as revealed by extortionary, embezzlers at religion… so,,,, to you I say/write/reveal/disclose:::: Baaaaa….. and, I’ll continue my word games, thank you;;;; interspersed with the facts,,, which another education, beyond your compunctuations, will reveal to be the truth, as verified by those who are in the know;;; and,,, it’s to them that the good point credits,,, belong… But, don’t fret; my commas are here, any time you awake from the coma of B.S…..indoctrination…. next thing you know, all apostates, and never believers,,, and,,, non believers,,, will be executed/kill the infidels; wonder where that doctrine was stolen from… as were all those Virgin Angels, also,,,, lifted from anothe belief system… Edgrrr….,,,,….

    • Obviously, your “fans” do not recognize “stream of consciousness” emanating from a disordered mind.

    • I think the point (or non-abusive, constructive criticism) he was trying to make was that the body of text wouldn’t be so intimidating, yet more palatable, if it were broken up into pieces…or paragraphs; punctuation aiding in the separations.

      I don’t think it was an attack; he said you made good points.

    • Pretty sure divorce is universally frowned upon. But if a man is widowed and remarried, he gets all his wives in the resurrection. If a woman is widowed and really marries, her first husband gets her. She gets no say in the matter. Or any other matter. In life or death. Joseph Smith was a sexist. He’d make a good Republican, actually.

  15. As an LDS member myself, I can find humor in the satire of things such as this. However, it is the propostorous comments that get me. Any of you that take this for any sort of educational value are honestly rather pathetic. Does this chart cover the basics? In a deranged sense, yes. And the fact that you bash on those that practice this faith is rather messed up as well. So long as a person’s actions do not harm you, as I see it, they should be left to themselves. We are not a “blood and sacrifice” cult. We are a group of individuals who believe in a God and in doing good. And if you want to bash on the church, for the love of God, learn to spell. It shows how pathetic you really are when you can’t use the correct form of “there, their, or they’re.”

    • Good to see that your priorities are strict on good grammar but lax on taking the Lord’s name in vain. Well done you! Also, it’s “preposterous.”

      • hey Molly, your retort was right on!!!

        While I agree with Spens in a way that we should let Mormons live their lives so long as they don’t hurt other lives (there is afterall a lot of good done by Mormons the world over), but as a gay man who suffered shame and humiliation while being raised in the church and the ugly false allegations for years which kept me from my children because “temple recommend holding” members felt they could slander and malign me (Yeah, what about that pesky commandment about bearing false witness?!!) . . . well, I have since felt the need to champion such beautiful work such as this chart above displays– the ridiculousness of the Mormon faith. But, I’ve also seen some ridiculous things in Hindusim, Taoism, Buddhism, Islam and all Christianity . . . so I just let people live their faith and I do respect them, so long as they don’t bring their faith into a reason to restrict my civil liberties.

        Spens, you are probably a good man, and so I hope that you will take a minute to look past the parody and irreverence of the comments and spoofs in this diagram to see the many falsehoods taught by the LDS Church. I know it’s painful to accept what you believe and love in your heart as perhaps not being true, but it takes amazing strength, courage and honesty to challenge the faith. Don’t disparage those of us who made the journey out.

  16. As a former mormon there are two things I question about your chart. I would have thought ‘fence sitter’ explained everyone who wasn’t Christian (not just ‘curse of Cain’ recipients. So Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, ‘heathens’, etc. – but not Jews. Jews would have been in the ‘non valient’ category).

    As for the terrestrial category at the end, I understood it to include everyone who believed in Christ, but who wasn’t Mormon and didn’t convert to Mormonism. And Mormons who didn’t live up to expectations.

    Otherwise, interesting chart. Glad I’m out. Some of the beliefs were just bizarre. I remember trying to explain the BOM to a friend and got to the part where Joseph looked at a stone in a hat in order to translate it and couldn’t believe that was my religion (yeah, they don’t teach that – I had to find it out by researching the church). Just like how the church doesn’t teach about Kolob, but can’t deny it if you bring it up. Or about Joseph Smith’s 30+ wives. Or any number of other things.

    • JS: I had pretty much the same thoughts about the Terrestrial Kingdom—that it’s not restricted to LDS but includes, for example, all those good people who are not LDS as well as the decent-but-not-outstanding LDS. (The bad ones would go to the Telestial Kingdom while the good-and-LDS ones to the Celestial.)

  17. Pingback: The Mormon Concept of Heaven | Tired Road Warrior

  18. Pingback: What I’ve Been Reading: April 26 | amandatheatheist

  19. This simply isn’t true on multiple counts. Polygamy hasn’t been practiced for over a century, for starters. I invite you to actually talk to Mormons about their beliefs.

    • Well, it might not currently be practiced, but it’s still in the Doctrine and Covenants, last I looked. I believe that makes it, oh, still doctrine. The way it was explained to me, when I was in the church was that practice of it was taken away because the members weren’t righteous enough. This explanation, of course, ignores the fact that abolishing the practice was a requirement for Utah being granted statehood.

  20. I think it’s sad that you spend most of your time talking bad about a church that you wanted to get away from, and please don’t try to say it’s because you want others to realize what you’ve realized. Maybe you should try to be happy doing something else rather then criticizing others and their beliefs.

    • I am very happy. This blog takes up a very small fraction of my time, and I’ll kindly ask someone who clearly knows so little about me to refrain from passing judgment on what I ought to speak about.

      • Passing judgement??? Should’ve known it would come to that. It always does. No, I am not judging you. Your own insecurities would want you to think we (mormons) are all judging you. I simply feel the need to defend a religion that has saved me in all possible ways. I have lived without the church and thought I was “happy”, but it was not fulfulling.
        I would invite you to come to the many bishop store houses that give away free food and supplies to families, members and non-member alike. Or the millions of food, clothing, and water that is donated to the victims of floods, earthquakes, tsunamis and other disasters around the world. Do not be so quick to judge when you have not seen it with your own eyes (like I have) how very generous this church truely is.

    • I can’t speak for Molly. But, for myself, I might think about not criticizing the church if they would quit criticizing those of us who have chosen to leave, and chasing us down and trying to guilt us into coming back. In other words, I’ll leave them alone if they leave me alone. So far, that hasn’t happened.

  21. Beatrice…. nice name…. I got it that the “good points,” missed delineation,,,,,, in lieu of commenting on commas,,,,,, which, nitpicking, skirted, everything but comma coma. Where is the discourse about the “good points ?” Read the God Makers, and others, written by those insiders who were there, if, “good points,” matter,,,,,, or, evade, by comma,,,, comments…. My feelers felt no attack, by evasive comments… either, good points matter, or, English format, excuses the facts ,,,, as being irrelevant, because, of punctuation, and not , making a continuation of issues, into short paragraphs,,,, and,,,, or,,,, sentences, for those who want to pretend that they don’t get it… and as one, complained …. PG got it ,,,,PG avoided it,,,.PG evaded it,,,, with a “may.,” as negated,,,, without confessing what possible good points, he approved of…. Let’s hear it; how close is “may,” to the purpose of this blog…??? Is it about false prophets, enslaving fifteen million dupees, into slavery, by concealed and contradictory, claims, and, tax free embezzlements, of food, off their tables; clothes, freedom, and, shelter; while trying to buy their way, into some imaginary kingdom, and all those virgins; the perverts; while playing planet Evil, patriarchal, games, and, calling the scam, religion…,,,,,,,…

  22. here’s the problem, i don’t know enough to argue the accuracy of this, nor would i take the time if i did – it does seem very exhaustive. the only issue is that i don’t think anybody (mormon, muslim, or agnostic) should so readily go after so many people’s belief system, that seems unnecessary – especially a group of people with such an impressive humanitarian record. attacking a belief is like throwing punches underwater, ineffective.

    • Can you provide examples of how amazingly humanitarian Mormons are? Do you know what percentage of the Church’s revenue goes to charity? Do you know what political cause they are most identified with? (Answers: 1 – There aren’t many examples 2 – A very very very small percent 3 – Anti-gay legislation and PACs.)

  23. I disagree Ed, I think it’s entirely within peoples rights to criticize beliefs they see as false and unhelpful. Most people once believed the Earth was flat, should we have stopped our quest for understanding at that point because some people were uncomfortable with their beliefs being challenged? Challenging beliefs that are obviously complete hogwash is well within our rights as intellectually functioning beings.

    • interesting point actually, the challenging of beliefs has brought about some of the most masterful schools of thought to date. also, challenging a belief is – as you stated – well within your rights. i cede. how’s about i change what i said so that i don’t follow this thread any deeper: i am completely astonished at how much good, and how much humanitarian aid the LDS members have donated. i sincerely hope that doesn’t make me a lesser intellectually functioning being for feeling so.

    • Funny you mention that, cause that belief was forced upon the people by the current religious figures at that time, but a thousand years before that, people knew it was round. What’s really going on here? Why would you purposely dumb down a civilization? It still happens today.

  24. Although the majority of this is correct, the mocking tone of the overall presentation is not called for. For all the negative remarks I’ve read, put aside the the majority of people saying it’s just an opinion, which it is, saying negative things about a religion you may or may not be educated about is bigoted. I’ve lived all my life around LDS members, and while I no longer practice myself, I can honestly say most of them are selfless nice people. You don’t see LDS members going around pointing out all the flaws with your beliefs. If nothing else it comes down to two sayings, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” and “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

    • I haven’t said anything about whether or not Mormons are nice people. All I’m doing is displaying what they believe. Big difference between the two.

    • Kevin,
      I can only speak for myself, but LDS members DO go around and point out flaws in my beliefs. Not only that, they encourage members to vote for legislation to limit my beliefs.
      I am not talking in generalities here. I am talking about Specific incidences which affect me and my family.

  25. There are plenty of reasons why pissed off exmormons would want to express themselves through contempt, humor and sarcasm; notice Molly did not attack a single Mormon in her very creative representation of the way “The Plan of Salvation” has always been taught (minus the flow chart and HP jokes).

    I for one am pissed off at: the ever changing dogmas and doctrines sold as the only way to salvation, fake service the church levies upon its members and the fact members get to pay ALOT of $$$ to do this fake service, the historical whitewashing – a completely contrived historical narrative that ONLY Mormons believe, a fake book of scripture (all scripture is fake), worshipping an angry, pissed off, schizophrenic God who can’t decide if he’s in a good mood or not, living in fear, hate, devils tempting us watching us, and of course Joseph Smith – married 44 wives in secret, sent men on missions to marry (cuckold) their wives, was a known and convicted as a charlatan and gold digger…. the list goes on and on.

    Why else would someone be pissed about 30+ years living as a Mormon? Because when you realize it’s a pile of sh*t you chance to lose everything and everyone: my parents & family are convinced I am possessed and dragging my family of 5 to hell. I have to avoid opening my mouth so as not to offend believing Mormons…all the while knowing that the LDS church may just be the single largest known and verifiable hoax perpetrated since Islam came around in 632.

    • Sadly, you’re in good company. Everything you wrote could apply to other Christian denominations. Many ex-Christians (including ex-Catholics such as myself) were angry that they were lied to, forced to make so many sacrifices, and then treated like we had two heads by believers when we left the faith.

    • You do know that tithes are not just for the church but for the members in need also. When I was out of work for 6 months the LDS church supplied food and rent until I was about to find another job. Definition of a charity.

      • Only those who have paid thousands and have a history in a ward as a vested member, and whose Bishop is friends with them and knows them are given “charity” from the ward coffers. And they DO cut you off. Consider the amount you pay, then add up the so called charity, do the math and you shall see that what you got back was a pittance. Not to mention now they have you by the scrotum to be volun-told at will to perform fake service.

        Oh by the way, in 1997 I’d gotten out of the military and they’d forgotten to pay me for 3 months- my credit was smashed and I was planning to get married. I had two jobs lined up, waiting for work, moved to a new ward with nothing asked the Bishop for a couple hundred to tide me over… said no flat out.

        Charity isn’t charity if it comes with conditions and caveats.

        When I wasted two of the best years of my life we would ask investigators “so, if I gave you $100 would you give me $10 in return?” “Well sure I would!” they’d answer. So it is, you too give the Lord 10% and then you go ask Him whose money it is for emergency help 10% on your ten percent lets say that’s 1% for six months paid back to you. That’s not charity Kevin. It’s okay though it smells like charity for sure.

        • I haven’t paid tithing since I was a child Jackson. I smoke, I go out with the girls for drinks and I am hardly a “Molly” Mormon. I had a child out of wedlock and the church paid my car payment for four months, have covered more than a few bills over the years and we even got food from the storehouse for about a year while we got back on our feet. This was all in a mostly new ward, no long history, no thousands of dollars paid into the coffers… Maybe it isn’t so much about taking care of the people who “paid” and it was more about you in particular? Or maybe you had a strict bishop.

          Either way…being the imperfect Mormon that I am…including supporting gay marriage, my church has never been the awful church many ex-members relate. In fact what I see is more about clashes with people rather than the church itself. The only legitimate argument is the members involvement in gay marriage initiatives in varying states but I suspect that won’t be happening again.

          The flowchart was funny satire if that’s all it was but clearly by the author’s further comments, it was clearly so much more so I’m out. I’m not going to let you all pee in my celestial cheerios anymore. Oh and yes, that was hardly the loving response of a member of the church but like I already said…I’m hardly the perfect Mormon anyway. Clearly, I haven’t mastered the idea of loving my enemy and with shit like this…probably never will. I think the best way to sum up the church is to quote Matt and Trey Parker.
          “Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up, but I have a great life. and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don’t care if Joseph Smith made it all up, because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that’s stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you’re so high and mighty you couldn’t look past my religion and just be my friend back. You’ve got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls.”

    • Thanks Jackson. Well spoken. Family of 6 here. Every one of us better off without the LDS Circus. Since we left we’re closer to God and Christ, have more peace and joy and more time to enjoy being a family. Best decision we ever made. Best of luck to you who are trying to be free from the Mormon Church. Don’t ever let them scare, guilt-trip, or send you to “their” outer darknes again!

  26. Apparently I’m like 30 years late to this party, but I’d never realized just how much of the backstory of Battlestar Galactica was lifted from Mormon theology. “Lords of Kobol” indeed.

    (This also explains why the series finale sucked so badly.)

  27. Two words for Edgar: hebephrenic schizophrenia.

    Two words for Molly: irreverent brilliance. :D Oh, and one more: Brava!!

  28. Bag of nuts, and, hebe what…? Another religion, heard from… Qualify your opening statements, with facts, so we can all see who’s a hebe [we all know what that means, don't we ?]… but, I guiess a billion religious fanatics on planet Evil, isto be expected…

  29. Wow! I was raised a Mormon and i just had flashbacks reading that! I’m gonna have to go perform a pagan cleansing to get the taste of Mormonism back outta my mouth.

  30. I feel like a good part of the layout is correct (ie. there was a pre-existence, there was a war, we are here on earth, we die and go to the spirit world, we are resurrected, we do get separated out into degrees of glory), but there are a lot of holes and false beliefs in here. Like that the pre-existence determined the color of someones skin or their birth into or out of the church. Children under 8 are considered under the age of accountability and thus would go right to the top and be saved fully. There is NO doctrine that says that God has multiple wives, we just know for sure that he has commanded polygamy throughout history, and that he doesn’t speak of our heavenly mother as he holds her sacred. You having multiple wives does NOT determine if you can produce spirit children. The spirit world part sounds like it was written by a pissed off ex Mormon who really doesn’t understand it’s true intent. I get that that is what you are, but still…
    Harry potter stuff was kinda funny… a bit lame…

    In all honesty I get that your angry about the church. The church asks a lot. Service, time, energy, money, all for the building up of the kingdom. Sometimes that’s hard. Its hard to drop everything at 19 and go teach the gospel in a new language. I’ve been there. Its hard to be at the end of your money and choose between paying rent or tithing, I have been there. Its hard to get up on Saturday morning to go pack and move someone in your ward and find that it will shoot your whole day. Its hard not to leave and even harder to keep a smile. Its especially hard when a priesthood leader does something that bugs you like not helping you out financially, or making you give a talk, extending a hard calling, or even keeping you from taking the sacrament as you go through a repentance process. I get all of this because I have been there. But as I did what I needed to do, if I understood it or not, I was always blessed in one way or another. My mission was really hard, but I learned to love people I couldn’t stand, I learned to be more patient and loving. (that’s hard for a fiery Irish man.) I have been at the end of my money and paid my tithing at the cost of other necessarily bills and I have been blessed with work opportunities. I have spent the day packing someones house when I though it would be a few hours, and I came to love those people even more. It takes faith. Faith that God has your back. He does. You are all given challenges specific to you. Some of them are really hard. Some of them seem insanely hard. If you do what god wants you cant loose. One of the most accurate parts of this sheet was that GOD and JEHOVAH ALWAYS WIN!!!
    Why spend your life feeling angry and bitter when it really feels great to help people and to love people. You don’t go to church anymore, you have gone away from the church for whatever reason. You don’t have two heads, your not crazy or a monster, you just stopped believing that God had your back and that his authority is with the Church. Believe it or not, I have been there too. Trust me, where you are now sucks compared to this side. Even if you don’t go back to church I recommend not wasting your time on hate, its corrosive and miserable. I am sure that this won’t like “change your mind” I am not really expecting it to. All I am really saying is that wouldn’t it be more fulfilling to be more positive? The church is run by humans so it has flaws caused by humans. There is a douche bag in every crowd. It doesn’t make the gospel less true. The best way to test if a principal is true is to live it fully and see if it has merit. Besides, when death comes finally, I can’t imagine how terrifying it would be if I believed as you do. Utterly terrifying.

    • You kind of missed the point, didn’t you? This isn’t about bashing Mormons, or complaining about how time consuming your religion is. Mormonism is very patriarchal and sexist. There are many issues with your church that believers happily sweep under the rug and ignore. That, and what religions in general teach are pretty crazy.

      I do hope that there is some sort of afterlife out there for you guys so you won’t be disappointed that all your hard work was for naught. I’m quite happy that I can be a good person without having someone watching over me at all times with the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head (i.e. hell). If there ends up being a god, and he is indeed merciful, then I’m not worried. Logic is on my side. :D

  31. Your last sentence says it all. The fear of death is what religion in all it’s forms is based on. What I find astounding about religion and religious people is that they don’t seem to grasp the concept that their religion is but one of many. They are utterly convinced that their version of religion is “The one true way”, while everyone else who follows different religions thinks the exact same thing! This conundrum was the nail in the coffin for me and religion.
    I don’t believe this article is about hate or negativity. Just the opposite actually. I see this article as a way of using humour to illustrate the ridiculousness of religious doctrine. Nowhere in this article do we see insults or hate speech, nowhere in this article are Mormons portrayed as bad people. I don’t believe Mormons are bad people but I do think it’s quite funny that they believe in things like magical underpants. Polygamy and misogyny I find less amusing, but then I would, I’m a woman.
    One more thing I’d like to say is that you CAN be a good person without religion. Morality and ethical behaviour, love, compassion and kindness are not dependent on religious beliefs. And using the fear of death as an excuse for religion is the mother of all cop outs.

  32. Can somebody annotate this? The only thing that could possibly make this better (and more immune to LDS criticism) would be little footnote numbers hyperlinked to the BoM quote that proves each box. I recognize this is a kind of stupidly time-consuming thing to do… maybe a bunch of people could contribute one or two each?

    • Not all of those come from the Book of Mormon, or even Doctrine and Covenants—as far as I know, many of those are just things that you hear at one point or another. Though I suppose you could find a mention in a General Conference talk or something for many of them, but it’s not as trivial as just paging through BoM or D&C.

      (But in general, sources *would* be useful, if it were possible to find an authoritative statement somewhere for all of them.)

  33. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. This is absolutley fabulous. I was excomunicated in 1992, one of the best things that ever happened to me.

  34. Wow! You must be an ex-Mormon. Not at all bitter are you? Shall we call you Sharem or Korihor?? I would seriously hate to be you on the other side someday.

    • Wow! Look at how loving and accepting you are. You certainly are staying to the rod and choosing the right. It’s amazing how in five sentences you managed to spit in the face of nearly every dogmatic teaching of your very own Church. Lovely little Lamanite you! Now go to talk to your bishop before someone tracks your isp address and calls him for you.

  35. Pingback: Turns Out Jesus Might Have Been Apathetic To This Whole Marriage Thing… | Hodges Hall

  36. Edgrrr… will do. .. When does a blood oath sacrifice, pledging all you have and own, is to/for your church, become perjured; when it becomes more expedient to usurp that oath, by lying through your teeth, to swear through the next oath, while concealing millions of dollars, stashed out of this country; gone forever; and, wherein the avowed intent, between Muslim and Mormon, is exactly the same; gain control, then, destroy, America. One, because we’re so demented, at law, that we don’t deserve to live, and, the other, because “we,” murdered Joseph Smith, and, that evil, punishment [of an evildoer], deserved blood letting, atonement revenge, and, so do we… Read the history of the countryclub quasireligious corporation/business enterprise, of how the LSD/LDS heirarchy has duped their sheeple, into coughing up ten percent, for their ayatollas, and, their private ritual palace/temples… How can such a secret oath, now exposed by those who lived it, be set aside so a Mormon can perjure the next oath, unless, there’s another agenda, herein in the works; burn America, and, avenge Joseph Smith…and, that Romneys’ blood oath, gets turned into an on hold pattern, even after embezzling, millions stashed, in violation of his other solemn pledge , for of which, he signed up for his blood atonement, throat slice altar alteration, so as to save his eternal soul, and, of course avail himself of all those virgin angels. Wonder what “religion,” they stole that doctrine, from…??? So, which oath, are we to believe that Romney or Obama,lies through; two, coyotes in sheeps attire, ready to continue the fleecing of not only Mormon sheeple, but, America, as [not] well…? We need to draft our next president, or, simply have a lottery, for one. No way could a bum on the streets, or an unjustly accused and imprisoned, innocent person, not do a better job, than these psychophant toadies of organized crime at law… BURROck, the jackass, in the whitehouse, who, hijacked America, or/and Romney slithering our death knell, into place, with equal threat; while conspiring away his blood oath soul saving ritual, to/for the LSD/LDS actual agenda… Elect either perjurer of the oath of office, and, see…. These Illiterati, who write the script, for our demise, aren’t too bright; who will protect them from the likes of themselves…??? Edgrrr…

  37. I have a question. I saw a comment referring to how Jewish people are viewed to Mormons. Can someone explain it to me? A lot of them are so anti-Semitic (especially women) and I am hoping to find out why. Thanks!

  38. Edgar, is on nobodys side, front, or rear… State your case, if, you have a point to make,,,,,,,,, and lets analyze the belief system,,,,,,,,,,,,,, factor; ie.,,,,, B.S…… Who claims to have returned from the hereafter, to report, on how many virgins these duped sheeple get ? To all you virgins,,,,,,, I say,,,,,,,,, thanks for nothing…. and pray tell, what is an FTW,,,,, that I’m on the side of…? What are you men or mice; squeek up…. fact vs fiction…. 300 million sheeple are easily duped…. the Ayatollas are here in Amerika, to prove it… Edgrrr…

  39. It’s spelled Ayatollahs. And America. There’s a few other errors in there as well. I’d be happy to proof read your rants, for a nominal fee. Yay Mormons! We’re coming for you, Edgrrr…!!

  40. Exxxxcccuuuussse me, the “H” I left out, was where the inept, leading the incompetent, will find, all their virgin angel rewards, for embezzling this life from their sheeple. Why does Romney, have 300 million bucks, ? Is that a heirarchy stash, for the chosen few ?… Why no audit by the IRS ? Who gave Romney a pass, on his embezzlements from his “solemn,” blood oath Tell us of his devoutness, and, do realize that Romney, is BURROck, turned inside out… both, ripping off, their own sheeple…

  41. Look, I’ll level with you. I gave him the pass. I make sure that nobody audits him, or BURROck. I’m running the show here. When you get together for your next tin foil hat meeting, let them know that Bill runs Bartertown!

  42. AS LONG AS THE PERSONS ACTIONS DO NOT HARM YOU, while enslaving their children, and, setting up their brainwashed sheeple, into tithe slaves, while being vilified, twisted, and, condescended upon, by too high priests, contrived, punishments, and, alleged afterlife rewards, and, afterlife, continuation of more of the same… Has God, ever printed upon gold plates, a receipt to/for all these sheeple, who leave the thinking up to the patriarchists, to pour moola into the mullahs’ pockets; food , gun storage, and silos, to rathole the embezzlements, also, into a foreign bank ? God forbid that crooks by any other name, get audited, as Gods’ chosen sheeple… Retire the socalled national debt, to hold these quasireligious crooks, of all contrived, denominations, feet to the fire, and, tax the hell out of their corporate moneychanging evasions at laws… How many millions of Mormons, will see Romney for the hustler he is, and, being no more than the flip side of, O’BaaaMaaa, the bleating heart sheeples’ messiah, with the cutesy, abbreviated word endings, and a curtsy, after every canned, written for him speech ? Back to back conartists, in the whitehouse ? We can’t do any better than the likes of those two… you’ve got lots to worry about….start worrying, and stop nitpicking… Why does any Mormon, et al, personally, have riches, when they’ve taken a blood atonement oath, pledging all they have and own, to the idol, worship of their palace temples, and alleged propnets; while enslaving their own wives and children ? Edgrrr…

  43. Look, Edgrrr, you’re getting a little too close to the truth here. I’m just trying to look out for you. You didn’t hear it from me, but take a look at the Denver International Airport. It’ll tie everything together. I like you Edgrrr, I’m going to personally make sure you get your proxy temple work done.

    Also, what’s a propnet?

    • Dom: If you’re single, you can enter into the Celestial Kingdom but not into the highest of the three degrees of glory there. (According to the flowchart, you go into the third, lowest degree, but can’t remember reading or hearing what distinguishes the requirements of the second from the third. From all I know, you might be in the second, middle degree, too.)

      But! If it’s not your fault that you were single, you get to have another chance to marry after your death. (Or so I’ve heard). In which case, the first degree of glory is attainable.

  44. So,,,, I missed a key, getting reality to you in such a hurry, before your dogma bites you… Prophet/Profit,,,,, whutz the drifterence… Some coast,,,, others,,,,, row…. Edgrrr….

  45. you have nothing better to do than to tear a persons belief down..so its not your belief..so what..belief what you want but dont put another persons belief down..

  46. How/now Diffi-Cult, it is, to match time delay answers and comments to/with, what comments, they’re regarding, that, belong to which other comments.,,,,, but,,, you can fill in the blanks, while you “Come, let us reason together…”

    • Here’s a hint, Edgrrr…. If you hit the reply button next to the name of the post (In this case, look to the right of Bill), you can reply in that thread. Since we are now carrying on a private (and secret, I hope!) conversation, I’ll just reply to you.

      I can’t tell you too much about DIA. But take a look at it, and all will shortly be revealed… If anybody asks, you didn’t talk to me. Use a fake name. Like Ron, or maybe Paul. Your best bet for some quick answers is to find some Mormons to talk to. The guys you see in shirts and ties are just a front. You want to get to the REAL heart of the matter. Are there any Sconecutters near your location? If there aren’t, find the nearest Appleby’s. Walk in, and the first person you see will be super secret security. Say to them “I’ll want the secrets of the temple, I’ll want the finger with the ring”. They’ll respond with “You and me”. That’s the sign that you are in. Good luck, and God Speed, Edgrr… The world is counting on you.

  47. Quasireligions, with all their construed, delusions, are their own worst enemies, for the incredulity, of their craziness; and, it is the warp and twist of realities, they invent, that need to be headed off at the pass… as they are the confessions of their wierdness, which, surely, speaks, to their foolishness, that future socalled prophets, will have to hunt, for new revelations, to unwind, previous and current hypocracies. The sheeple need to dethrown the ayatollahs, and, stop lying to themselves, by auditing these moneychangers. It’s all about money, fraud, extortion, control, delusion, madness, and, self hypnosis, getting their fix, to perpetuate their addiction; ie, the opiate of the sheeple… despite, thousands of false prophesies, swept under the imaginary rug… that, speak for themselves…

  48. My screeds are, not secret. Reality, such as religiosos would not have it be, surely can stand in opposition of/to illiterati, duping the sheeple, with one ridiculous doctrine after another, contradicting, the bible, some, claim to be holy, while contradictorially, feigning reverence, by, counterfeiting, biblical language and format, as if, the bible, allegedly revered, actually requires, additions and, substitutions, as if heresies, are needed to contradict, other religions, and, exalt one cult over another… when in point of order, all false prophets do, is, prove their own incompetencies, by their counterfeit biblical looking text… As for tinfoil hats; that’s no more absurd than, a claimed religion, having 4,000 abandoned, exposed, discreepancies… yes, I spelled that correctly… and, still lying to their Stepford wives and brainwashed, children… It’s obvious that pro and con Mormons and ex Mormons, are each so duped, on purpose, as a divide and conquer, heirarchy tactic, to conceal the Ponzi scheme of socalled worship. Shut down the avalanche, of money, and watch how quickly the heirarchy, turn into wolves…

    • LOL! Computer glitches. Thanks for fixing Dethrone. Also, notice that by hitting the reply button, this post appeared down and to the right (not the left!) of yours.

  49. All the sheeple, went back to their quasireligious, complacency based comas…zzzzzzz… Bill, do tell us whut is izzz…

  50. Thank you, Molly, I really thought this was very accurate and very entertaining. It’s true that you can do the same for any religion, but the LDS have such a rich treasure trove of odd beliefs that it’s ripe for parody. I believed all this for 12 of my adult years as a temple-attending elder until, like you, I realized just how crazy it all was. There is so much here that reminds one of science fiction that it’s no wonder that so many Mormon beliefs made it into the original, and to a lesser degree, the latter Battlestar Galactica TV series. Well done, Molly!

      • To logic. To reason. To consistent beliefs. To history. To truths.

        Verily I say unto you, those who know not of the Mormon gospel need only look to their most visible representative, Mitt Romney, to learn all there is to know. Inconsistencies and lies.

  51. All seminary classrooms should have one of these clearly posted, and missionaries should be given a copy to laminate and carry in their shirt pocket.

  52. Pingback: The Mormon Religion Is Not Trinitarian Christian | The Pink Flamingo

  53. Let me say this only once. Rest assured that no matter what you say in response, I value my time too much to respond again.

    Your posts tend to be difficult to decipher, not because you are thinking at a higher level than the rest of us, but because you have some deep issues that you should try to resolve with the help of a good therapist. Your streams of consciousness meander and lollygag to the point of nonsense. Please take this as constructive criticism. While your points may or may not have a great deal of merit, it’s difficult to tell when they are couched in incomprehensible terms.

    • Well put, Joe. I’ve had enough as well. I rarely censor, but Mr. Longenecker’s trolling has gone on for quite enough. He’s now been blacklisted.

      • No one can blame you, Molly, for blacklisting Edgar. Enough is enough.

        I too am an atheist, a conviction I reached after a struggle that lasted years. The one question I have for those who follow a religion that they struggle with the most is, “Had you been raised to believe in a different religion, would you still be [fill in the blank]?” For instance, to a Christian, “If you had been born in a small town in India and never ventured outside your borders, don’t you think you’d believe in Krishna in stead of Jesus?” I’ve had the same response from so many, “Oh, Jesus would have found a way to reveal himself to me.” that I’ve quit trying to understand the fantasy mind that I once myself possessed.

  54. I know you are obviously against Mormonism – however do you believe in the Bible? Or when you felt Mormonism was incorrect- you threw other religions about God out as well….I’m personally not a Mormon. But I do believe in Jesus Christ and the Bible. I most closely follow Baptist doctrine. Do you?

  55. Pingback: Exaltation Flow Chart | All Things Mormon

  56. Pingback: Mormon Flow Chart for Your Soul | Apostake.com

  57. Loved your flowchart… until I found out that you call the telestial kingdom Hufflepuffs. I resent that (since I am a hufflepuff)! Hufflepuffs are loyal, kind and decent people. We are not murderers and sinners. We wouldn’t be comfortable there. Those would be slytherin folk- well not all slytherin either. just saying.

    • If it helps any, the Telestial kingdom is going to be full of the sort of individuals most people would actually want to spend Eternity with. The higher up the ladder you go the more smug and creepy it gets.

  58. Molly, you are a wonderful human being. For future revisions, consider the withered junk meme (only top level CK denizens get fully operational lovelies, the rest get flopping, shriveled, useless…well you get the idea).

  59. So clever! Thank you for being courageous and entertaining us with the truth. I have absolutely no bitterness towards the Mormon church and am actually a very “active” one in my own way, but I’m constantly surprised at how stating historically documented facts is somehow “faithless”. There are many sides to the same story (I’m constantly told by Mormons who are uncomfortable with the truth. Yes, history lies. However, it’s our job as truth-seekers to try and uncover the most honest version we can. And with any amount of research or reading, that truth is abundantly clear. This doesn’t make me a faithless, bitter hater. Just a girl who’s sick of “putting things on a shelf”. (My mom’s favorite way of telling me to stop thinking so much). Anyway, rambling! Thank you for this glance into strange church doctrine. Loved it.

  60. Edgrr,

    I have escaped captivity, but I don’t know how long I have. The Elders don’t like me revealing their secrets, and I’m sorry I have to be so vague. It’s for your own protection too. Also, I don’t think that was the real Ron Paul. But it very well may have been Jesse Ventura. He’s weird like that.

    Get to DIA as soon as you can. Bring a spare tin foil hat. Find the nearest information desk, and repeat the password phrase I told you earlier. And above all, remember that your succinct and devastatingly accurate diatribes have convinced this upper mid-level illiterati (not to toot my own horn) to throw away the promises of untold money, power and jello salad to kick against the pricks, as it were, and help you uncover this dastardly organization. Things are going to get worse for you before they get better. Stay strong, Edgrr, the world depends on you!

  61. Are you still doing this? It’s not really very funny anymore. I do think I would like you if we met in person. You seem like a really well-adjusted guy. Have a good one, Edgar.

  62. Congratulations on figuring out the reply button!

    Also, I am in fact a Danite. So be careful. Just saying…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s