Big sister plays the part of Master Yoda

Molly:
my day tomorrow will be mostly light so I can do your homework
You will rock your A-levels due to sisterly cheating

Little Sister:
oh brilliant! that’s good news 😛
thanks so much
i’d be dying right now!

Molly:
😀

Little Sister:
so i’ve been trying to straighten out things with [redacted] and it completely blew up in my face tonight. he said that the biggest reason our relationship didn’t work out was because of emotional abuse that doesn’t allow me to be a good communicator
and that i need therapy and he can’t see me anymore

Molly:
wut
does he think you are emotionally abusive?

Little Sister:
no like from mum and dad

Molly:
OH

Little Sister:
i’m abused

Molly:
well, based on my own personal experience I would say yes, we have experienced emotional abuse
There is no shame in coming to terms with that and getting therapy. I am.
in what way does he think you are a bad communicator?

Little Sister:
like i wouldn’t tell him everything that was going on and sometimes i’d bottle things up. but i think i’ve progressed a lot but it’s hard for him to see that. he was mostly saying that when i noticed that our relationship was going downhill, i didn’t immediately go to him and tell him
it took a long while

Molly:
That sounds like our family
bottle up, fester, explode
bottle up, fester, explode
ok
does he love you?
do you love him?

Little Sister:
i told him i needed a break, but so much drama has gone down since then that i don’t know if i love him anymore. what hurt most was that tonight he said he doesn’t care about anything to do with me anymore

Molly:
ouch
that’s a pretty nasty thing to say

Little Sister:
ya

Molly:
if he didn’t care why bother having the conversation?
doesn’t he have his own issues with his parents and commitment and all that?
ok so if he says he doesn’t care about you then you need to take him at his word
as much as it hurts you are going to have to let him go
Because the situation you’re in is similar to me
It’s taken me so many fucking years to undo all the mental baggage I have because of our church and our family

Little Sister:
ya

Molly:
You’re a lot younger so you can avoid some of the problems I had
You need to realise that this will hang like a shadow over every relationship you have unless you put some healthy distance between you and our parents
They will try to control you, and my fear of them still affects my daily life
Like I can’t even tell them I live with my boyfriend because I’m afraid of them
and I’m fucking [redacted] years old.
I can’t share big parts of my life with them because of their priggish disapproval
So I’ve had to learn that their approval is not something I can place any value on

Little Sister:
ya pretty much

Molly:
They do not love me unconditionally. They do love me, in their own way, and I can appreciate that
There are many things they have done that are good for me, and I can honour that
Everything else I need to keep at a safe distance

Little Sister:
ya it’s to protect yourself

Molly:
If you’re going to have a relationship with someone and it’s going to be the real thing, then you need to be able to do everything that is in that person’s best interest
That’s what “forsaking all others” means
You can only allow yourself to be vulnerable to people who you trust not to manipulate or abuse you
You can love mum and dad, but you also have to accept what they are
So I hope that you are able to get out from their thumb sooner than I did
It’s only now that I see how much they taught me what’s called “learnt helplessness”
I didn’t really become independent until I was [redacted] years old
Because by keeping me dependent on them, they could control me through guilt, obligation and love bombing

Little Sister:
ya, luckily i’m getting out sooner

Molly:
Well, and you can be aware of what’s happening.
I wasn’t.
If you are going to have healthy adult relationships, you need to have the space and freedom to make your own decisions without fear of how your parents are going to disapprove.

Little Sister:
ya i got an earlier wake up call

Molly:
Otherwise it will taint the relationship and add strain
So ya when you meet someone special in future just try to be very aware of what kind of emotional baggage you are dragging around with you.
The more you come to terms with it, the less you’ll feel the need to complain about it or discuss it a lot
Sure, it’s part of your background, it’s there, but it shouldn’t be an elephant in the room
So learning how to put away the baggage is something you’ll have to work on as hard as I am.
forgive, forget, move on, live YOUR life

Little Sister:
so i guess i just don’t know if our relationship failed because of my baggage or if it was really because he was lacking in putting enough effort in our relationship
or if i should just drop it

Molly:
look maybe both
you can spend your whole life performing autopsies of dead relationships and sometimes you’ll never learn anything
You two were young
At your age your personalities are still evolving so much
Your priorities are constantly shifting
That doesn’t mean your relationship had no value
You had a lot of good there
But unless you can gain some insight into yourself and learn how to be better in future it’s a waste of time to try to figure out what went wrong
Most likely, you just grew in different directions

Little Sister:
ya. i thought i was ready to move on but the fact that he said he doesn’t care anymore was just such a slap in the face

Molly:
Blokes can be dicks
Especially at his age

Little Sister:
lol pretty much

Molly:
I know it’s hard but don’t internalise that too much

Little Sister:
i need a MAN. no more boys

Molly:
He probably just said that because he was feeling defensive
It’s easier to spit that shite out than think of something constructive

Little Sister:
hahaha

Molly:
He’ll be a man one day
I think now is a good time to focus on yourself
You are about to start a whole new phase of your life, branch out and become independent

Molly:
You need to prepare yourself for the difficulties that will come when you try to shake mum and dad’s influence loose
Because they’ll try to rein you back in
You want to be ready for someone special when you meet them, so now would be a good time to spend working on your own priorities
Be the sort of person you’d want to be with

Little Sister:
ya you’re right

Molly:
🙂
Be wise about your boundaries, but once you’ve decided the safe distance to keep from each person be generous with yourself and with the way you love others
the closer you let someone, the more you give them, and the more you get back
But anyway
Yeah
Now is a good time for YOU

Little Sister:
ya

Molly:
When you go to university in the fall you’re going to meet all these brilliant people and they will be like cor this girl rocks
Because you do rock
This is like your time of Jedi training and I’m like Yoda
And mum and dad are like vader and palpatine and you have to say NO to the dark side
And they’ll like march you in the dark room and shock you and shit
But you’ll be like NO and then you’ll blow up your emotional baggage death star

Little Sister:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
OMG
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
that’s the dogs bollocks
put that in your blog

Molly
😀

Little Sister:
PLEASE

Molly:
haha ok

Little Sister:
omg im gonna pee my pants

Molly:
ok I should get to bed
So should you
But don’t let your mind buzz too much about the ex tonight
Or much at all in future

Little Sister:
ya, im gonna go eat some ice cream and watch battlestar galactica and pass out
lol

Molly:
sounds good. be nice to yourself
ice cream, bsg, sleep. 😀
Love you sweetie.

Little Sister:
love ya too
thanks for helping 🙂
nighty night