Primary songs for our times

The primary children’s songbook is an excellent source of information on how Mormon larvae are indoctrinated taught in the ways of righteousness. Gender roles, obedience, and personal worthiness are recurring themes. Songs like “I’m so glad when Daddy comes home” are bouncy and fun and remind us that Daddy is the one who leaves the house to work. “Mother, I love you” is tranquil and smooth as an advert for antidepressants and reminds us that mummies are meant to be sweet and gentle and nurturing.

I’ve got some hymns to add for the kiddies to sing, though. The times they are a-changin’, and the hymnbook should keep pace. For example, one of my favourite little ditties was “Jesus said love everyone”.

Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you.

It’s such a beautiful message, but I don’t know if it’s clear enough in these dark times. I’d humbly submit this as a second verse:

Jesus said love everyone, even chicks and queers. Non-whites too should be your pals, not a cause for fear.

I think some other songs could be improved as well. Fathers is pretty good, but with lyrics like “The father of our home leads our family with wisdom’s light in all that’s right, My father’s good to me” aren’t really explicit enough. I humbly submit as an alternative these lyrics:


For boys; sung with vigor. When appropriate, encourage boys to stand up and sit down during moments in the song that inspire upright motions.

Many, many years ago
God was a boy like me
Now he’s Heavenly Father
How? Pa-tri-ar-chy!

Patriarchy is the way of God
Patriarchy is the gospel rod
We’ll stand upright and point the way
To righteous paths we trod

I’m grateful for a gospel plan
That tells us what to do
Some must follow, others lead
This helps me, how ’bout you?


Men have something special
That helps them lead the way
Women show their gratitude
Each and every day


Please feel free to add your own verses and suggestions for new hymn titles.

6 thoughts on “Primary songs for our times

  1. LOL!!! I love this! Personally, I’d like to see a hymn reminding women that the *only* approved usage of their brain is in the raising of children, and to banish any “evil” thoughts of working outside the home–or, say, reading for pleasure. Perhaps with a few verses about scrapbooking?

      • Some additional suggestions:

        “How I Love Providing For My Family (With Food Storage)”, with appropriate adverts for Deseret’s Mormon Pantry series (which, sadly enough, I own and use).

        “Hush, Gentle Sweet Spirit (Heavenly Father Will Provide A Husband For You In The Afterlife)”

        “My Success Is My Husband (And I Yearn To Live Through Him)”

        “How My Soul Yearns For Truth (Which Can Only Be Found In Church-Approved Manuals)”

        And, if we’re really honest with ourselves, there should be a few songs comforting children on the loss of parents, and other family members, to “outer darkness” for, say, being gay. Where are the “I Know My Daddy Will Repent” songs? Or how about “That Other Woman Is Not My Second Mommy”? Or “Take Me To The Temple (And Away From All The Queers)”?

  2. Interesting. There’s a talk by former apostle Neal A Maxwell where he relates, “In my Primary days, we sang ” ‘Give,’ Said the Little Stream” —certainly sweet and motivating but not exactly theologically drenched. Today’s children, as you know, sing the more spiritually focused “I’m Trying to Be like Jesus”. In other words, “we do better at indoctrinating children now than we used to.”

  3. Love this post! And CJ, the additional songs were a riot. There needs to be an alternative Children’s Songbook for all those families that don’t fit the Mormon mold because there’s a lot of them lurking out there.

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