I made dinner for several friends this weekend. At the end of the evening, as I cleared away the remains of garlic mash, herb crusted flank steak, tossed Southwest salad, pinot noir and corn bread to make room for the cherry rhubarb cobbler hot from the oven, one of my friends said it occurred to him that tarnished Mormon girls like myself were quite a catch.
She noted that I’d been trained in all the Mormon ways of self-sufficiency, knew how to bake, change a tyre, sew on a button, and all of that other useful stuff that our grannies know how to do but modern people are positively flummoxed by.
However, being a tarnished Mormon girl also means that I’m many years behind my worldly peers in so many ways. While everybody else was at university drinking, shagging, and experiencing life, I was off on my own praying for them and pitying them. I’m so far behind that now I’ve got an unapologetic but please-don’t-tag-me-on-Facebook-my-mother-reads-Facebook enthusiasm for all of those lovely things which were Verboten because they encourage people to think that bodies are engineered for enjoyment, not denial.
It was at this point that my friend surmised that years of repression followed by total unleashing would offer numerous advantages to the unleashee of the tarnished Mormon’s choosing, as in not just loads of sex, but also amazing brownies after.
A male friend present asked if the same thing applied to tarnished Mormon men. I told him that although Mormon men generally receive less training in baking and sewing, many of them will surprise you with their ability to take care of household business, and many of them are uncommonly good cooks. I could not vouch for the “freaky-deakiness” of a tarnished Mormon man, as I have never dated one. Unfortunately, I only dated the self-righteous patriarchal variety that expected me to behave like a Stepford Wife. However, if there are any tarnished Mormon boys out there interested in dating a tall, handsome, and soft-spoken bloke with superb skills at Halo Multiplayer, do let me know.
So there you have it, inhabitants of the Internet. Forget those rubbish dating sites. Find yourself a nice tarnished Mormon and reap the benefits of recent unshackling from sexual repression. And damn good pie.