Preparing for Mum
01 Dec 2011 5 Comments
My mum is coming for a visit this weekend. A year ago I never would have thought this was possible, when she hung up on me after telling me how selfish I was for, well, following my own thought process out of the Mormon church. In a certain light it is a selfish choice. I could follow the herd, which was in the best interest of the herd, or I could stop being a sheep, which was in the best interest of my dignity and self-respect.
At any rate, the ice has thawed somewhat over the many months and while my father does his best to avoid speaking to me, my mum has come back around a bit. I’m actually pleased that she’s coming to visit. When you get her on her own away from her responsibilities she’s loads of fun. However, I need to prepare the house so that none of our lifestyle differences are shoved in her face. Here’s all the things I have needed to clear away to make the house acceptable to a Mormon Mum:
- All glassware bearing the name of a booze company (Guinness, etc.)
- All the booze
- The wine racks
- A copy of The Kama Sutra
- Caffeinated tea
- Coffee
- Refrigerator magnet reading “I believe the glass is half full as long as there is whisky in it.”
- Empty beer bottles in the bin
- My collection of Mormon-related books, including scriptures, old lesson manuals, and titles such as The Book of Mammon, An Insider’s View of Mormon Origins, By His Own Hand Upon Papyrus, and Losing a Lost Tribe.
- Buddy Jesus figurine
- Coin purse reading “I’m Savin’ Up For Jesus!”
- Movies rated 15 and 18 (That’s R-rated to you Yanks)
- Flying Spaghetti Monster tea mug
- Sexy underpants in pile of washing
I think that should do it. Doubtless I’ll find a few more things in my final sweep, but I believe I’ve removed any tinder that could start a fire. Hopefully we’ll now just have a nice week-end.
Fingers crossed. Wish me luck.
New Directive: No More Independent Sacraments
05 Jul 2011 10 Comments
in Doctrine Tags: correlation, family, ritual, sacrament
I’ve managed to patch things up a bit recently with my family. Recently I went on holiday with the family and Mr. Molly. One of the things we were both concerned about was Sunday, when the family would have their own brief church meeting. I do not know if any of my family members know that I am no longer a member of the LDS church and so in their view should not take the sacrament. Mr. Molly is a Nevermo, so he excused himself to take a walk whilst the rest of the family met. I stayed because it was the politically appropriate thing to do.
I was asked to lead the music, which I felt comfortable doing. After the ranking male priesthood member started the meeting several younger family members were asked to bear their testimonies. This is something that’s always bothered me because assigning someone to bear a testimony violates the idea that testimonies should be voluntary and impromptu, given if and when the person feels it is appropriate. One family member still living with her parents is a closeted mentally ex-Mormon. I struggled with two conflicting emotions as I listened to her testimony sharing her gratitude for the men in her life who had the priesthood. On one hand, she was saying all the right words and the older family members were genuinely moved. On the other, she was talking absolute rubbish. I told her later that if it didn’t sound too cynical, I was very impressed by her acting ability. She thanked me heartily and reiterated her wish to move out as soon as she was old enough so she could stop pretending to believe.
A moment of great relief came when the bishop leading our family meeting informed us that Salt Lake has recently decreed that it is no longer permissible for the sacrament to be administered at private gatherings of family or friends. Sacrament may now only be administered during a regulation LDS Sacrament meeting. Until now, it was the norm for families to administer their own sacrament if they were away on holiday or somehow unable to be at church on a Sunday. I watched the faces of my family very carefully when this information was conveyed. The look on each face was a mixture of surprise, sadness, and submission.
I have a few questions for members, former members and non-members:
Do you feel that this change is doctrinal?
Do you feel that this change is appropriate?
Do you feel that this change was necessary?
Why do you think this change was made?
Do you think this change was made to discourage LDS people from being away from chapels on Sundays?
If anyone has more detailed information on this policy, such as whether or not it applies to Sacrament administered privately to those who are infirm and unable to come to church, I would be interested to know that as well.
I Am The Church
02 Mar 2011 21 Comments
in Dogma Tags: apostasy, family
I had thought things might be on the mend with my family for a while, but there was a big row on Monday over some books I had given my sister to read. I gave them to her a long time ago, back when I believed that because she was an adult, we could discuss any topic she brought to me. The books were part of a larger conversation we were having about anger and how to move past it and see the good in even hopelessly flawed situations. Two were by the Dalai Lama; Healing Anger and The Art of Happiness.
The third was a book by two evangelical ministers that discussed how to overcome a bad experience had with abusive clergy. I had been given that book by a friend when I was dealing with the aftermath of escaping a very damaging marriage. Leaving my ex took immense willpower as I had to finally throw off the controlling arms of priesthood leaders who were scaring me with damnation so that I wouldn’t leave a temple marriage. I had a lot of anger to process, and I made many notes in the margins of the book. My sister was dealing with a lot of similar anger against LDS authorities. She stopped believing in Mormonism long before I did, and she is still living under my parents’ roof whilst attending university. We had several conversations about how to let go of anger, see the good in situations, and I offered her that book so that she could see what I was like at my most angry and hopefully learn to bypass many of the negative emotions I had felt by focusing on forgiveness and patience.
I had made a promise back in October to my parents to never discuss politics or religion with any of my siblings — even the adult ones — and I have held to that. But I forgot about the books.
My father routinely searches my sister’s room, as he used to do to me. He found the books, and had no way of knowing that they had arrived long before I understood the degree of authority they still expected to have over children who were legally adults but still under their roof. The Dalai Lama was scoffed at, but the book on clerical abuse was a cause for outrage. Before even flipping through to see that it ends on a very positive note, my parents took this text as a personal attack on the infallibility of the LDS priesthood. In their view, a book that states that men who claim to speak for God are not always doing so, and that it’s ok to protect yourself from abuse, is heresy.
I found out just how personally my father takes all of this. “The church is not an organisation or a building,” he told me over the phone. “I am the church. Any criticism of the church is criticism of me.”
I was astounded. Never in my most orthodox days did I ever believe that there was no distinction between an organisation and the people that make it up. Perhaps that’s why I was never destined to be a good Mormon? I can’t say. It’s just too befuddling for me to get my head around just now.
He told me that the path I had chosen put an enormous rift between us and that from now on we would have very little in common in this life or the next. He told me that if I was ever to visit his house again he didn’t want me to ever speak about what I think or believe, and that if I could follow that rule “we are prepared to receive you.”
Blimey. What a warm invitation. What I heard him say was:
- Your rejection of the church is a personal rejection of your parents
- We are going to heaven; You are going to hell
- We have nothing in common
- I don’t want to know anything about who you are
- If you can play a good little black sheep, we will tolerate your presence
Perhaps that’s just me being cynical because I’m still feeling the sting, but I can’t help but resent the fact that they reserve the right to recriminate me for every past wrong, no matter how long done. And because of those forgotten books and the way they were discovered, that’s one more thing I’ll never be forgiven for.
This is not a cynical question, nor is it a trap. I sincerely want to know: if everything that I am is disgusting and threatening to my parents, why do they want to have a relationship with me at all?
If there are any still-faithful LDS readers out there, or people who remember what it’s like to be faithful, would you take the apostasy of a child this personally? Would you place similar restrictions on the apostate child? Would you realise that the consequence of such a strict response has the effect of alienating your other children from you, making them more likely to reject such authoritarian religious beliefs? How would you resolve the struggle between the bits of LDS orthodoxy that are mandatory and the realities of how difficult some aspects of Mormon belief can be to deal with?
Big sister plays the part of Master Yoda
01 Feb 2011 3 Comments
in Practice Tags: family, hope, sister, unity
Molly:
my day tomorrow will be mostly light so I can do your homework
You will rock your A-levels due to sisterly cheating
Little Sister:
oh brilliant! that’s good news 
thanks so much
i’d be dying right now!
Molly:
Little Sister:
so i’ve been trying to straighten out things with [redacted] and it completely blew up in my face tonight. he said that the biggest reason our relationship didn’t work out was because of emotional abuse that doesn’t allow me to be a good communicator
and that i need therapy and he can’t see me anymore
Molly:
wut
does he think you are emotionally abusive?
Little Sister:
no like from mum and dad
Molly:
OH
Little Sister:
i’m abused
Molly:
well, based on my own personal experience I would say yes, we have experienced emotional abuse
There is no shame in coming to terms with that and getting therapy. I am.
in what way does he think you are a bad communicator?
Little Sister:
like i wouldn’t tell him everything that was going on and sometimes i’d bottle things up. but i think i’ve progressed a lot but it’s hard for him to see that. he was mostly saying that when i noticed that our relationship was going downhill, i didn’t immediately go to him and tell him
it took a long while
Molly:
That sounds like our family
bottle up, fester, explode
bottle up, fester, explode
ok
does he love you?
do you love him?
Little Sister:
i told him i needed a break, but so much drama has gone down since then that i don’t know if i love him anymore. what hurt most was that tonight he said he doesn’t care about anything to do with me anymore
Molly:
ouch
that’s a pretty nasty thing to say
Little Sister:
ya
Molly:
if he didn’t care why bother having the conversation?
doesn’t he have his own issues with his parents and commitment and all that?
ok so if he says he doesn’t care about you then you need to take him at his word
as much as it hurts you are going to have to let him go
Because the situation you’re in is similar to me
It’s taken me so many fucking years to undo all the mental baggage I have because of our church and our family
Little Sister:
ya
Molly:
You’re a lot younger so you can avoid some of the problems I had
You need to realise that this will hang like a shadow over every relationship you have unless you put some healthy distance between you and our parents
They will try to control you, and my fear of them still affects my daily life
Like I can’t even tell them I live with my boyfriend because I’m afraid of them
and I’m fucking [redacted] years old.
I can’t share big parts of my life with them because of their priggish disapproval
So I’ve had to learn that their approval is not something I can place any value on
Little Sister:
ya pretty much
Molly:
They do not love me unconditionally. They do love me, in their own way, and I can appreciate that
There are many things they have done that are good for me, and I can honour that
Everything else I need to keep at a safe distance
Little Sister:
ya it’s to protect yourself
Molly:
If you’re going to have a relationship with someone and it’s going to be the real thing, then you need to be able to do everything that is in that person’s best interest
That’s what “forsaking all others” means
You can only allow yourself to be vulnerable to people who you trust not to manipulate or abuse you
You can love mum and dad, but you also have to accept what they are
So I hope that you are able to get out from their thumb sooner than I did
It’s only now that I see how much they taught me what’s called “learnt helplessness”
I didn’t really become independent until I was [redacted] years old
Because by keeping me dependent on them, they could control me through guilt, obligation and love bombing
Little Sister:
ya, luckily i’m getting out sooner
Molly:
Well, and you can be aware of what’s happening.
I wasn’t.
If you are going to have healthy adult relationships, you need to have the space and freedom to make your own decisions without fear of how your parents are going to disapprove.
Little Sister:
ya i got an earlier wake up call
Molly:
Otherwise it will taint the relationship and add strain
So ya when you meet someone special in future just try to be very aware of what kind of emotional baggage you are dragging around with you.
The more you come to terms with it, the less you’ll feel the need to complain about it or discuss it a lot
Sure, it’s part of your background, it’s there, but it shouldn’t be an elephant in the room
So learning how to put away the baggage is something you’ll have to work on as hard as I am.
forgive, forget, move on, live YOUR life
Little Sister:
so i guess i just don’t know if our relationship failed because of my baggage or if it was really because he was lacking in putting enough effort in our relationship
or if i should just drop it
Molly:
look maybe both
you can spend your whole life performing autopsies of dead relationships and sometimes you’ll never learn anything
You two were young
At your age your personalities are still evolving so much
Your priorities are constantly shifting
That doesn’t mean your relationship had no value
You had a lot of good there
But unless you can gain some insight into yourself and learn how to be better in future it’s a waste of time to try to figure out what went wrong
Most likely, you just grew in different directions
Little Sister:
ya. i thought i was ready to move on but the fact that he said he doesn’t care anymore was just such a slap in the face
Molly:
Blokes can be dicks
Especially at his age
Little Sister:
lol pretty much
Molly:
I know it’s hard but don’t internalise that too much
Little Sister:
i need a MAN. no more boys
Molly:
He probably just said that because he was feeling defensive
It’s easier to spit that shite out than think of something constructive
Little Sister:
hahaha
Molly:
He’ll be a man one day
I think now is a good time to focus on yourself
You are about to start a whole new phase of your life, branch out and become independent
Molly:
You need to prepare yourself for the difficulties that will come when you try to shake mum and dad’s influence loose
Because they’ll try to rein you back in
You want to be ready for someone special when you meet them, so now would be a good time to spend working on your own priorities
Be the sort of person you’d want to be with
Little Sister:
ya you’re right
Molly:
Be wise about your boundaries, but once you’ve decided the safe distance to keep from each person be generous with yourself and with the way you love others
the closer you let someone, the more you give them, and the more you get back
But anyway
Yeah
Now is a good time for YOU
Little Sister:
ya
Molly:
When you go to university in the fall you’re going to meet all these brilliant people and they will be like cor this girl rocks
Because you do rock
This is like your time of Jedi training and I’m like Yoda
And mum and dad are like vader and palpatine and you have to say NO to the dark side
And they’ll like march you in the dark room and shock you and shit
But you’ll be like NO and then you’ll blow up your emotional baggage death star
Little Sister:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
OMG
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
that’s the dogs bollocks
put that in your blog
Molly
Little Sister:
PLEASE
Molly:
haha ok
Little Sister:
omg im gonna pee my pants
Molly:
ok I should get to bed
So should you
But don’t let your mind buzz too much about the ex tonight
Or much at all in future
Little Sister:
ya, im gonna go eat some ice cream and watch battlestar galactica and pass out
lol
Molly:
sounds good. be nice to yourself
ice cream, bsg, sleep.
Love you sweetie.
Little Sister:
love ya too
thanks for helping
nighty night
Do ugly knickers ruin your day?
11 Jan 2011 11 Comments
in Practice Tags: family, garments, judgment
USA Today has published the results of a study demonstrating that wearing ugly knickers can bring you down. Of course my mind jumped instantly to garments.
I hated wearing garments. I remember thinking that the most enormous of granny panties had nothing on these bunchy undergarments left over from an era when long johns were necessary under a corset. I obediently wore my bra over the tops, remembering the fearsome warning given to me by the temple matron about the terrible fate that awaited new brides who dared to let something come between their skin and the garment of the holy priesthood.
I made it about a week after my endowment before I started sneaking out of them at every opportunity. Lingering in workout clothing was always a good trick. Eventually I settled on just wearing the top and allowing myself to wear pretty knickers below. That way Mormons, who constantly scan for the “g-line”, would see the necessary imprint of the Salt-Lake sanctioned trim beneath my shirt and I would remain in their good graces. I remember the first time my mother hugged me and noticed that there were no garments beneath. A very awkward couple of weeks followed.
Garments are regarded by Mormons as a sort of talisman, a lucky rabbit’s foot that shields the wearer from poison ivy, knife wounds, bullets, and hot sex. I never got a special feeling from them. They just made it impossible for me to wear anything fashionable or comfortable, because even in jeans and a t-shirt they bunch up and need constant adjusting. I got odd looks at the gym unless I retreated to a toilet stall to change. I had to bypass tops that would have been flattering on me and perfectly appropriate for work, but just didn’t work with garments. The first time I stepped out into public wearing a sleeveless top and felt the wind on my shoulders I felt so . . . normal. Not peculiar. It was exhilarating.
Yes, ugly knickers ruin my day. But not any more.
Disowned.
23 Nov 2010 11 Comments
Not a good week for me. I’ve found out what my mum thinks of me, and the level of paranoia about my alleged crimes against my parents and the church are positively Orwellian. I wouldn’t be able to believe that she really thought those things of me if I didn’t have confirmation from one of my siblings who is also likely on the way out of the church.
I’ve been pronounced “anti” my parents and the church, and any LDS person will know the power of that label. It’s comparable to being labelled “suppressive” in Scientology, although Mormons certainly won’t attempt to sue former members or actively attempt to ruin their lives.
I’ve been ordered not to have any contact with my siblings, since I’ve allegedly tried to usurp parental authority, persuade them to leave the church, and tried to influence them to follow me. I don’t believe any of these charges are true, and neither do my siblings. Thanks to the Internet I’m still able to have contact with them, and they think this situation is utter bullshit. Unfortunately, that isn’t going to help with alleviating the impression that I influence my siblings to go against my parents.
I hope over time this situation can be repaired, but for now I’m grateful to have so many good friends in my life. There is so much more to family than blood. I have a family of my own choosing, made up of people who love me unconditionally because of and in spite of everything about me. And I love them back — unreservedly, unapologetically, and unfailingly.
It hurts. A lot. I’ve had to fire up every happy song in my library to banish the ironic version of “Families Can Be Together Forever” that’s been playing in my head.
The Gospel vs. The Church
29 Oct 2010 4 Comments
in Practice Tags: family, gospel
My relationship with my family has shipwrecked over the last few weeks, and while I’ve been drifting in the flotsam I’ve been able to see the difference between the Gospel and the Church.
A Church is an organisational and administrative body that is meant to facilitate the application of the gospel. Policies and procedures, in theory, should not get in the way of application of doctrines. Churches can change in their size and methods. But the gospel, the core doctrines and source of salvation, is meant to be perfect and unchanging. The Church is supposed to be the means, and the Gospel the end. But when The Church is declared The One True Path, the means and the end become the same thing.
In this unnatural state of fusion, believers can justify being abominably cruel to those who feel that there is not a one-size-fits-all approach to happiness. Rejection of the One True Path is equated with rejection of the gospel. Failure to adhere to policy and procedure becomes the same thing as a personal attack on Jesus Christ and Joseph Smith with atheist assault weapons.
My parents said some pretty nasty things to me in our last phone call, which took place just over a week ago and concluded with my mother calling me selfish and hanging up on me. Apparently making plans to fly my sister out for a visit at the expense of her attendance at a church Halloween party qualifies as selfish nowadays. I know the real issues. They feel that Church is more important than family, so much that family visits should never interfere with ward activities, however trivial. More importantly, they do not trust me to interact with her outside an environment they can control. They do not want me to be myself around her. They want the edited, restricted version of me that must stay on her best behaviour at the peril of a verbal beating. Visiting my parents’ house feels more like entering an enemy camp during a ceasefire than being welcomed home.
Now that the communication has broken down and the restrained hostility against me has transitioned to open contempt, I’ve started trying to piece together why my family members react as they do. Most of my aunts and uncles stopped speaking to me after I failed to support Proposition 8. One of my aunts posted a provocative statement on my Facebook page stating that I needed to follow the prophet. I told her I wasn’t comfortable getting involved in political lobbying, and was treated to a tirade that included the entire text of the Proclamation on the Family. Many of my friends sent me private messages along the lines of “Cor, you’d said Mormons are barmy, but now I really know what you mean.”
One of the most frustrating parts of leaving Mormonism is that you go from being a prized member of your family to being treated like a traitor. Everything you do, however innocent, is suspect. I have been accused of attempting to buy affection by giving birthday and Christmas gifts that I would have purchased regardless of my religious beliefs. When I am home and suggest that I take my siblings to the cinema, I am subjected to an interrogation/lecture about not taking them to see something inappropriate. Never mind that I would never take a family member to see a movie they wouldn’t enjoy, whether due to lack of interest or offending their religious sensibilities. I could literally try to take my sisters to see a Disney film and still be treated with suspicion.
What’s in my heart doesn’t seem to matter. I have nearly identical views to my family in many respects. I want humanity to make infinite progress in gaining truth, knowledge, and an understanding of the universe. I want human beings to treat one another with love and kindness, recognising that we are all part of a human family and as such we have an obligation to love one another. The essentials of what the gospel offers — eternal progress, connection of humanity, and love for family — are things I want.
But in my family’s view my methods of working toward this goal are false. I believe that scientific methods, not prophets, are the best way to learn about the universe. I am no longer certain about any kind of afterlife, but am confident that humanity will continue to grow and progress after I have had my opportunity to contribute and made room for newcomers. These are false doctrines in Mormonism. However, there’s one thing that in theory we should be able to agree upon: This life as we know it is a one-shot deal. With that in mind, shouldn’t we be decent to one another?
Mormons have an interest in being kind to those with different beliefs from their own, because they are trained to view these people as potential converts. Apostates, however, are a major threat. When disaffected Mormons are treated with hostility, it reveals that statements of tolerance, respect, and co-operation with those who are different are nothing more than a sham. The niceness to never-Mos is simply bait for conversion, and the nastiness to former Mos stems from the self-satisfied belief that in the afterlife they’ll have the opportunity to point their finger and say “I told you so.”
This kind of certainty comes from confusing the path with the destination. Failure to distinguish between the Church and the Gospel harms non-believers through acts of bigotry, but it also harms believers. If their Gospel is true, then confusing the Church for the Gospel is a form of idol worship. Orthodoxy rather than enlightenment is prized. Correct procedure, not love, is valued.
But then, I’m just a dirty apostate advocating the heresy that there are paths outside the Church that lead to happiness. What do I know?
The breaking point
23 Oct 2010 7 Comments
in Orthodoxy Tags: control, family, manipulation
Yesterday my parents coerced my younger sister into not getting on a plane to come visit me for the weekend. I bought the ticket so we could have some fun bonding time, which we so rarely get with her busy university schedule.
As soon as my parents heard about it they became irrationally obsessed with stopping the trip. There is a church activity this weekend, they say, and your sister has to be at it. Clearly the event will stand or fall on whether or not she is there to slice the green jell-o. My sister had made arrangements with the organisers to have someone else manage the jell-o and punch in her stead. My sister may still live at home, but she is an adult. She made arrangements with the other adults to whom she was obligated, and all parties were satisfied. Why are my parents, who are not members of the singles ward, micromanaging an event in which they have no part?
The night before the flight, I received an angry call from both of my parents, blaming me for ruining the church party and their dinner plans because “they had to deal with this.”
My mum said it was important for my sister to attend because she “needed to be taught a lesson about being so selfish.” I fail to see the selfishness in periodically missing a church event to spend time with a family member. My mum seems to define “selfish” as “a person who does not do exactly what I tell them to do.” That definition seems terribly . . . selfish.
She said my sister could come another time. I asked her when. “Later,” I was told.
That’s when I hit the breaking point. I am sick to the teeth of this abuse.
“It seems like every time I ask to have either [redacted] or [redacted] for a visit, you come up with some reason why they can’t.”
I didn’t say it in an angry or sad tone. I stated it as fact. Because it’s true. My parents are manipulative and bullying and will only allow me to interact with my siblings in an environment they are allowed to control. I don’t know what they believe I am going to do to my sisters. In their twisted view of the world where anything outside the Church they worship is a threat, they probably believe that not only will I force feed them the sinful custard that is apostasy, but I’ll also take them to shoot up heroin while being gang-banged a tattoo parlour. They can’t conceive of a visit in which we talk about school, pop culture, and life in general whilst having nice meals and going shopping.
Mum laid into the usual guilt trip, how this was affecting her health, and how sick she was to be surrounded by selfish people, but for the first time it all just plinked off of me like broken arrows failing to penetrate armour. Her rubbish didn’t make it far enough to stab me the way it usually does.
She concluded with “do what you want” and hung up on me.
They went on to bully my sister so much that she did not even call me to let me know that she didn’t get on the plane. I heard from her later in the day, and we worked out some coping mechanisms for the near future. My parents have refused to fund any portion of her education because she didn’t want to go to BYU. Evil rebel. She will move away soon, and I plan to help her financially as much as I can.
This was the breaking point. I need to have no contact with them for a while, if only so that I can send a very clear message that their childish threats, guilt trips, and outright lies no longer have any power over me. I am not a bad person, and I am not to blame when they become upset because I refuse to conform to their unreasonable demands.
Looking back
22 Oct 2010 9 Comments
in Culture Tags: baptism, family, freethinking
On a day a few weeks after I turned eight, my mother was curling my hair as I stood in her room in my white dress. I remembered thinking it was odd that my hair was being meticulously fluffed, as it was about to get soaked. The whole family was milling about in the lounge getting ready to go to the chapel. My dress had lace and ribbons, and a nice thick slip underneath so nothing would show when it all got soaked, Mum had ripped the tag off my knickers because it had black printing on it, as if this would somehow diminish the water’s ability to bleach the sins from my soul.
I stared at myself in the mirror, unused to getting this much fuss and attention. I was the oldest grandchild in the family, the example for the next generation of Mormons. My mother probably felt a sense of pride at having produced the first grandchild to be baptised in the extended family, although the race was still on to produce the first future priesthood holder. (Do not fear; she won this race eventually.)
As my head bobbed from the gentle strokes of hairbrush and hot iron, I thought of something. Here I was, about to engage in a very important ritual, and I had never actually agreed to do it. (I’ll be so vain as to acknowledge that I was a rather precocious eight-year-old.)
I turned to my mother, who nearly burnt her finger on the curler from the unexpected movement. “Mum, do I have to get baptised?” The question was not one of fear, but rather curiosity. I just wanted to know if I had any say in the matter, or if having to get baptised was simply another “must,” like eating veg, no telly on school nights, or bedtime.
She looked very alarmed for a moment, but remained calm. “No,” she told me. “It’s a choice. You should only do it if you want to.”
My immature mind considered this possibility for a moment. I was too young to understand that I really was unable to make a real decision on the issue. I had been carefully conditioned since birth to understand that this was the only path to walk on. All of the preparations for my baptism had taken my compliance in the ritual for granted. I had been trotted up to the microphone on fast Sundays and had my opinions whispered into my ear so that I could parrot them before the congregation. “I know this church is true. I know Joseph Smith was a prophet. I love my mummy and my daddy and my teachers. I know President So-and-So is a prophet.” My “testimony” was something I’d been spoon-fed, like baby food. So far I hadn’t tasted anything bad, so I had no reason to bite the hand that fed me.
“Well, I think I shall,” I told my mum. She sighed with relief finished curling my hair and sent me out to be admired by the family before we left for the chapel.
An unremarkable moment, But that day a light went off. Although I didn’t grasp the meaning of free will, I recognised the concept. I didn’t really give the decision much thought, but I at least saw that a decision could be made. Even in my first moments of Church membership, the spark of inquiry was there.
Now that I look back on it, I don’t think I ever had what it takes for this Mormonism thing to work out.
Exit Strategy
15 Oct 2010 15 Comments
in Practice Tags: family, LDS inc., leaving
1: Should I tell anyone ahead of time?
I’ve been able to discuss this issue at length with people who love, support, and respect me — my friends. I cannot have this conversation with anyone in my family because the topic will only result in them feeling very angry toward me. It’s a good sign that your religious beliefs are unhealthy when in theory you are the first person your family members should turn to for advice, but in reality it results in chaos and anger.
My father would be furious if I told my mother directly. He guards her with the sort of patriarchal, patronising attitude that keeps my mum in a chronic state of neurosis. (Sound familiar?) However, my mother will be upset by the news no matter what. I have wondered if, in this case, I could be honest with her that my dad’s overprotective nature has kept me from confiding in her about my struggles. I don’t want to put a wedge in their marriage, but a big part of what keeps my mom repressed, festering, and unstable at times is the narrow, confining pedestal she’s required to stand on. Would it be selfish for me to potentially put a thorn between my parents, if it means that I can really talk to my mum for the first time? Especially considering that my dad may very well disown me when it’s all said and done?
Next up: Should I tell my dad? He knows my general objections, and periodically makes attempts to interrogate/shame/coerce me back into the fold. He’s my dad, and I love him, and I’m thankful for the many ways that he’s made my life better. But all of that comes at a pretty steep price, and I don’t think my debt to him requires me to allow him to hurt me unlimited times. If I tell him ahead of time, he’ll just try to make me change my mind. My first guess is that it may be best to inform him privately after receiving confirmation of my resignation. This way I can spare him false hope.
I have two siblings who seem likely to follow my path out of the Church. I believe that working with them ahead of time will be a good course of action. The possible downside is that they may be mistreated by my TBM relatives if they find out that they knew ahead of time what I was going to do and didn’t rat me out to the Thought Police. However, I think they’ll be good at keeping a secret. The disadvantage is that both of these siblings are still at home. It may be very difficult for me to see them in the future, until they are out of the house and self-sufficient. I will not bother consulting with my TBM siblings. They will most definitely send the dogs after me.
I want my one remaining grandparent to stay unaware of the whole thing. Regardless of what happens, I will lie through my teeth to preserve her ignorance. She is very elderly, beginning to get frail, and is a good, loving woman who has given her all to this Church. She has seen all of her children grow up, marry in the temple, never divorce, and raise faithful Mormon broods. She deserves the satisfaction of leaving this earth believing that no chicks have fallen from the nest.
(Writing this last bit has made me imagine what it would sound like to hear “Families Can Be Together Forever” sung by Judas Priest. That would make an excellent metaphor for how fucked-up LDS family dynamics get once someone decides to switch off Gospel Auto Pilot.)
2: Is doing this going into the holidays a good idea?
If I do this now, it means that my family could find out about it just before the holiday season. This offers two possibilities. First, I could be seen as “ruining” the season by doing this at a time when families are supposed to be together. If I become unwelcome in my parents’ home, I would be conspicuously absent and family events will be soured by the constant reminder that I’m a dirty traitor apostate. Second, if everyone realises the consequences of option one, they may decide to play nice and try to all get along. This means that although I’m still a dirty traitor apostate, I have the chance to smooth things over through family time and activities that build positive memories. My apostasy may be able to disappear into the background, only resurfacing during events such as temple weddings. Unlike a male apostate, I won’t have extra ways to shame my family by not participating in baby blessings or priesthood rituals.
3: How much should I worry about how my extended family will respond?
I have virtually no day-to-day contact with aunts, uncles, and cousins. We see one another at family gatherings and have a nice time stuffing our gobs and keeping the little ones from murdering each other. You know, what all large families do. I expect nothing more than a knee-jerk reaction from my extended family if they find out what I have done.
4: Should I attempt to broker a deal to minimise damage?
I have considered offering a truce to my father; out of our shared interest in protecting my Gran from this information, we can simply avoid telling anyone outside the immediate family. My family gossips like, well, like a large Mormon family. Mormons gossip. A lot. As a child I knew a lot more about everyone in my ward than was remotely appropriate. I knew whose marriage was on the rocks. I knew who had been disfellowshiped. It’s pretty alarming how bad Mormons are at respecting privacy. If something needs to stay a secret, the worst thing to do is follow the normal chain of command and tell the Bishop about it.
But if there is one thing Mormons do better than gossip, it’s keep up appearances. I don’t really care what my aunts and uncles think of me. They’re lovely people but if they cut me off I would only be disappointed, not devastated. I had a dry run for this during Prop 8, when my father’s sister left a psychotic rant on my Facebook page and promptly de-friended me after seeing me comment that I didn’t support the idea of mixing religion and politics. We have never spoken since. I have never met her two youngest children. I regret the loss, but it didn’t ruin me, as it only means that I’ll never see someone whom I barely saw anyway. (She lives in Utah, and I avoid Utah like the plague since leaving BYU.)
Due to the semi-immigrated state of my extended family (they’re spread out across the Mormon Belt, with a few holdouts back in Britain) I believe I can make an attractive pitch that there is no sense upsetting an applecart that only gets wheeled out once or twice a year when we all get together. I don’t care if they know, and I don’t care if they don’t know. But they need to not know if my Gran is to be protected. And really, now that I think of it, it isn’t any of their business. We’re relatives, not friends. They have too little context of my life to understand my reasons for making such a big decision.
In a deal I would also agree to never discuss my apostasy with family members. I’d likely be lying a bit, as I intend to help my two youngest siblings if they need it when they have to make their own break with LDS, Inc. But I can agree not to proselytise to them or present them with any troubling information about Mormonism. That’s rather generous of me, if I say so myself, since I won’t be extended the same courtesy. After all, I was taught in Primary to turn the other cheek and do my best live with higher standards than the world around me.
5: What am I missing?
Ideally I’d like this to be a coup de grâce. I want to end my schizophrenia that comes from not wanting to be a Mormon but feeling like I have to stay because it’s holding my family hostage. I want to kill the fear I feel over wondering if the church will find out what a horrible evil sinner I am and call me to a disciplinary council, forcing me to resign my membership before I’m ready to do it on my terms. But I want to do this so that, for once in my bloody life, I’m looking out for myself first. I’ve been a doormat for too long. I’ve cut myself down to size and tried to fit in the box, but it doesn’t work and I’m sick of forcing it. I just want to make sure that when I do this, I do this so that it has the best possible outcome for me, and the best possible outcome for my family that I’m willing to accommodate.
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