About
I was born and raised in the LDS Church. I was firm and fixed in my faith for most of my life. I knew it was true.
My faith was first rattled loose from its foundation when I decided to prepare for the temple by recommitting myself to Mormonism and deciding to become a true scholar of my faith. I sincerely believed that my promises would be trite if I did not understand them as well as I could. What kind of Mormon would I be, I thought, if I didn’t make every effort to study and understand my beliefs? I knew that my Heavenly Father would be proud of me if I made an effort to study the scriptures and the teachings of the prophets.
I decided to go back to the beginning. I began reading about the life of Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism. Little by little, I began to read about things that confused me or shocked me. I was startled to find out that things I had been told were “anti-Mormon lies” were in fact true. I learned that Joseph Smith’s death was not an innocent martyrdom, but was rather the result of his lies about polygamy. I noticed for the first time the improbable history presented by the Book of Mormon. I had begun my efforts to dig into the details of Mormonism as an effort to renew and deepen my faith. But as soon as I delved beneath the surface, I found nothing but cause for doubt. Despite this, I convinced myself that this was just a trial of faith sent by God, and if I refused to give up, in time I would reconcile the troubling conflict of historical fact and Mormon teachings.
The final blow to my faith came when I endured spiritual abuse by a bishop and stake president who meddled in my life and told me they knew God’s will better than I did. My bishop exercised authority over psychological issues that he was unqualified to understand, advising me to stay in an abusive marriage. He told me that I had a duty to correct my husband’s waywardness, and that God would be angry with me if I forsook my temple covenants. I felt in my heart that it was in my best interest to leave, but I trusted my Bishop as my priesthood leader. After reaching a point where I knew that my life would be at risk if I stayed any longer, I finally decided to stop listening to priesthood leaders and do what I knew was right. I finally saw that the top-down structure of the LDS church has no resources for abused members when the system fails. My trust is broken, and I will not go back to be mistreated again by a system that brushes aside those who don’t fit in perfectly.
For several years I performed a tightrope walk on the border of Mormonism. I was too afraid to leave because of fear of losing my family. But I couldn’t stay, because it’s impossible to believe in the equality of all human beings and believe in the teachings of the LDS church. I recently resigned. It was a sad decision but one that was essential as it allowed me to reclaim my integrity. The price of this action was being disowned. I hope in time my family will come around, but for now I need to take comfort in my many wonderful friends and the lively community of post-Mormons online that I’ve found through this blog.
Let’s see how it goes.
Apr 29, 2010 @ 19:09:06
Molly,
You may already have found the Open Mormon community, but if not, I’d like to invite you. It’s a very trusting supportive group of people who are on the tightrope with you.
May 14, 2010 @ 00:16:57
Molly, I am so happy to have found your blog. I was a convert to the LDS church through my boyfriend whom I later married. He was from a large LDS family, his mother’s family’s membership can be traced back to the early days of the church. My husband was extremely “into” (LDS) church history and studied it from all sides. He came to the conclusion it was false and told me he no longer believed it was the true church . At the same time I had many doubts and was at the point where being a part of that church made me physically and mentally ill. One example of my personal experience was, when I had taken a class at the LDS Institute at our local University, I had a question about church doctrine. I stayed after class to ask the teacher to explain it to me and he said I didn’t need to think about it, the church had already done the thinking for me. All I needed to do was believe it. That was the straw that broke my camel’s back. We had a meeting with our bishop telling him of our feelings and his advice to us was to follow our hearts and instincts and leave the church. He said we should not be there if it made us so unhappy. He said this to us with love and concern, not any animosity at all. I am sure if a higher church authority had known about the advice he gave us, he would have been excommunicated. I feel that the 18 years I spent being a member of that church nearly destroyed me. For several years I was in a deep depression because everything I had believed in was false and I had a big hole in my heart and life that the church had previously filled. It has been many years since then and I am still trying to push away memories of the abuse I suffered as a member of that church. I completely understand why you can’t seem to make a complete break from it because of your family. My husband’s family was shocked when we left and the women in his family made me utterly miserable. It got so bad that I had to leave my husband because it was obvious that his family was more important to him than I was. We have remained in contact and are now good friends and in spite of his family, he has stayed away from the church. Molly I wish you well and I am going to continue to read your blog.
Jun 02, 2010 @ 08:46:44
Bluebell,
Thanks for the kind words. I’m sorry that you had such a negative experience. While ultimately I found the church to be a harmful organization, I think I was a little luckier in knowing many kind people within it. I am very surprised to hear that you had a bishop who told you to leave if it felt like the right thing for you! Wow! I agree that that is totally unheard of and I can’t imagine a bishop not facing church discipline for encouraging that kind of loyalty to one’s conscience over loyalty to the church.
What you said about the women in your husband’s family caught my attention — I have also found that it’s the women in oppressive organizations who tend to treat each other the worst. The status of Mormon women is similar in Islam, and I keep finding stories of how in both Mormon and Islamic families, it’s the women who reinforce orthodoxy as it’s the only way to gain any kind of recognition at all in the male-dominated setting.
I wish you well too. If you’d like to share more of your story, I’d be happy to have you as a guest poster.
Oct 05, 2010 @ 21:14:30
I can’t imagine being in that situation, where not only your physical safety but your salvation is threatened by the people you should be able to trust the most. I am in awe of your bravery.
Nov 18, 2010 @ 19:08:24
Molly,
I’m also very happy to have found your blog. I’m a slightly-closeted ex-mormon living in Utah and it’s nice to know thoughtful people like you are out here in the blogosphere, saying things that need to be said. Truthfully, I’m on the tightrope walk between indifferent inactive mormon and antimormon, the latter simply existing because of how the church has turned family and friends against me for being different. I suppose it’s also because I’m exceptionally pro-equality and the more I learn about the LDS church’s history and cover-ups, the less I feel they deserve my respectful silence. It’s nice to see your fresh (and British) perspective because I often forget that I am trapped in my own demented version of the Utah bubble. Thank you for your courage and insights, please don’t stop writing
A. Neanderthal
Apr 25, 2012 @ 02:40:53
Dear Lady,
I must tell you that I adore your frankness and your moxie. I’m eagerly awaiting my escape from Utah, too close to Provo is too close to radioactive waste. Having a gay brother and numerous doctrinal questions of my own, sealed the deal 5 years ago at the tender age of 18. The thought of Relief Society and Institute at the onset of my college years made me ill. Still does, and I will continue to circle the LDS Vatican 7-8 blocks away for my brother’s rights and equality for everyone. I am a closeted ex-who know what as well. Continue the good work and I will begin my own.
Much affection and light to you
Apr 25, 2012 @ 02:59:11
My e-mail box is always open if you need a friendly ear. Hang in there! You too can escape Provo!
Apr 29, 2012 @ 12:38:01
Wonderful site . As a former apostate from a cult ( sahajayoga ) I’ve found a great many similarities between how cults & cult thinking works , weather they are large or small .
To step out of the comfort & security of ones belief system & face the shunning that typically results is a true act of courage & demands great spiritual fortitude . To go thru the process of unraveling that system & challenging it in ones own mind , facing the void that is left , then filling it with a new understanding is a great inner journey that leads to real personal & spiritual growth . To be true to ones own deeper inner reality in the face of what can be almost overwhelming external & social pressure to conform is the mark of a genuine seeker of truth .
The reward is a free mind & wholeness of self . Congratulations to everyone who makes this journey .
Apr 29, 2012 @ 16:25:21
Hi Molly,
I love your chart! I have never been a Mormon. I was raised a Catholic, but found I could not believe all the magic shows and – the “do not think – just believe” mentality.
My first encounter with Mormons was in Brazil, in the 70’s. I was living and working there. I met a number of Mormon Missionaries there. Many Brazilians have African ancestry. I asked some Brazilian friends why they would even consider talking to the Mormons and discovered that these missionaries were telling them that although, being black, they could not enter Mormon heaven, if they REALLY believe – they will turn white on the hour of their death and thus be transported to heaven! These poor uneducated people believed this LIE.
The Mormon religion is a cult. I think the only reason it is not called a cult is that it has too many members. The early Mormons were very wise. They took their cult to Utah. Practiced polygamy and brainwashed all of their children to become a very large group of Mormons. They also sent their people out on Mission to grow their numbers even more. Just in case you wonder why Romney won in Samoa, etc.
I dislike all organized religions, but the LDS is, in my mind, the worst of the lot.
Apr 29, 2012 @ 22:08:03
It is baffling how people who believe in equality and especially people of colour could fall for this. It’s even in the book of Mormon when a bunch of dark-skinned Lamanites turn white as they become righteous! Forget how appallingly racist this is — it’s just plain impossible and unscientific.
May 13, 2012 @ 04:57:08
Hi Molly,
I’ve only just started reading your blog, but I was wondering if you were familiar with Heart of the Matter hosted by Shawn McCraney. The reason I bring this up is because he has spent the last 3 years doing a weekly TV show (www.hotm.tv) showing how Joe Smith was not a prophet and how he could have come up with the BoM. Its an interesting watch. He’s been doing the show for about 6 years so there’s lot of past video’s to watch. The show does talk about Biblical Christianity but for the most part even that stays interesting.
Thanks for the interesting read.